Matthew Neuberger: Influence Anyone With Integrity, Meta Skills for Life, Finding Your Calling and Vivid Vision: Matt Neuberger #7

#6 - Matthew Neuberger is the Founder and CEO of Neuberger and Company, a sales, leadership and executive training/consulting firm.  

Matthew Neuberger is a nationally recognized business development expert, who specializes in executive sales consultation and sales productivity training. 

Matthew is an authentic, enthusiastic speaker, consultant, and coach who can inform, as well as motivate Presidents, CEO’s, other Senior Managers and Sales Professionals. 

By focusing on buyer’s and seller’s attitudes and behaviors, not just techniques, Matthew’s clients are able to achieve “superior selling” results. 

He lives in Owings Mills, Maryland with his wife and two daughters.  

Don't forget to hit subscribe so you never miss a new episode and drop a review. It's the best way to support my growing podcast.

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Show Notes:

Matt's describes his first taste of true wealth [7:45]

Matt tells the story of cold calling the chairman of CBS, how that led him to his early career and ultimately to finding his calling.  [10:45]

Matt describes the moment he realized he needed to leave his lucrative career and why [19:50]

Matt describes the most important meta skills for life [24:30]

We discuss what it actually means to be self-aware and how to cultivate it in yourself [28:45]

The childhood experiences that propelled Matt to master the art of communication and persuasion [41:00]

Matt shares the counterintuitive trait of the best executives [51:00]

Matt begins a detailed breakdown of the basic steps in creating influence from mindset to the tactical elements of connection [53:15]

The three primary communication styles {58:20]

Matt explains the simple tactic he uses with clients to boost their open rates to 60% [1:04:45]

Matt explains the importance of creating a vision , how to connect to it and how he first had this realization and how it's changed his life [1:27:15]

Links mentioned:

https://www.neuberger.sandler.com/
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/search/results/all/?heroEntityKey=urn%3Ali%3Afsd_profile%3AACoAAABKlcoB-ItRQmsQOGhGyL-Y_k8zbZlv--o&keywords=matthew%20neuberger&origin=RICH_QUERY_SUGGESTION&position=7&searchId=73b1f3ad-d998-4e31-a426-4229aa8a26b4&sid=q2T
Robert Cialdini Book (Influence): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08HZ57WYN/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0

www.richlifeguy.com

Transcript

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Nathan Hurd: Alright, welcome to the show today we have Matthew neuberger, who is a the owner and CEO of neuberger company.

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Nathan Hurd: A company whose purpose is creating a strong and sustainable company cultures, so that work is the most fulfilling and engaging experience for all employees.

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Nathan Hurd: They also work with clients as partners which I can attest to to realize their full potential and transform their key systems to lead them competently into the future.

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Nathan Hurd: matt matt neuberger is nationally recognized as a business development expert in addition to management and leadership consulting.

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Nathan Hurd: He specializes in executive sales consultation and sales productivity training he's also a dynamic presenter and trainer.

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Nathan Hurd: matt helps industry leaders formulate successful management sales and prospecting strategies and he shares his own experience in developing and executing management recruiting and sales tactics.

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Nathan Hurd: he's an authentic and fuzziness speaker consultant and coach to some very prominent company Presidents CEOs and other senior managers.

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Nathan Hurd: he's also a board member of the sales and management executives international baltimore and Washington he's an advisor to Member companies of the emerging emerging technology centers.

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Nathan Hurd: And he's a regular guest speaker on radio, in addition to writing a sales tactic column for the baltimore business journal.

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Nathan Hurd: He also, in addition to all of this is an advisor to the US bobsled team who just recently was on Center stage at the Winter Olympics, and I think they did pretty well.

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Nathan Hurd: And, on a personal note he's he's been a friend and a mentor for some time, and so I could not be more grateful than to have you here matt Thank you so much for joining us.

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Matthew Neuberger: My pleasure thanks for having me.

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Nathan Hurd: i'm so there's so much that we could get into today and i'm excited to dive in I thought, maybe we could start for anyone who's not familiar with your work.

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Nathan Hurd: With could you just give us some sense of how you think about your professional life, what what you do in the world.

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Matthew Neuberger: We know, I think it comes back it's probably going to sound a little bit cheesy cliche, but I have always wanted to help people right, I think a lot of people identify with that how I got into the career.

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Matthew Neuberger: That that i'm in is based, you know I would say nate you may know, some of this story, but for everyone who's listening I just did a lot of things I failed spectacularly at so that I finally figured out what I wanted, I was probably the biggest disappointment to my.

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Matthew Neuberger: Parents growing up as a kid because.

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Matthew Neuberger: I was always making the wrong decision.

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Matthew Neuberger: So enough wrong decisions and then giving me the freedom to do that really allowed me to finally figure out what I wanted to do and what I realized, I wanted to do is I love business I love helping people and.

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Matthew Neuberger: i've always identified with the human aspect of business right how people go through their careers and recognizing that not everybody there's probably people here, they can identify with this at certain points in their life in their career, they were in the wrong job.

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Matthew Neuberger: They were doing the wrong things pursuing the wrong things and as a result that hurt the company.

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Matthew Neuberger: and

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Matthew Neuberger: Once people really get aligned and they get aligned with their business that that's really where my passion became, how do we create alignment to something bigger than yourself and feel fulfilled doing it.

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Matthew Neuberger: So.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah it's so important, it really is, and I think it's something that can so easily get lost in business now when you were a correct me if i'm wrong, but you were.

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Nathan Hurd: In investments, you were in broker, you were a broker and into venture capital is that right before you.

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Nathan Hurd: became the owner of neuberger and company.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah so you know right out of college, I became the junior financial advisor right advising people on their stocks and if you, you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: Just imagine a picture of a kid who's got spiky hair and a polyester suit that looks like it was pressed in the wrong way and I was out there with a telephone calling people and asking if I could.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know if I could manage their all the wealthy accumulated over their life as a 23 year old kid they couldn't even properly dress himself yeah that's how I started.

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Nathan Hurd: that's a great visual.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah it is one that I don't actually want to ever see the photos that made back then, but I did start the financial advisor and then my career with from there into the investment banking side.

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Matthew Neuberger: which sounds glamorous but really What it means is you're calling on companies to do business rather than individuals and.

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Matthew Neuberger: And from there ended up actually getting involved sort of you're just in that ecosystem you end up getting involved in different types of transactions personally.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I found that the financial rewarding but there was a point at which I I looked at the people that were 10 years 20 years down the road for me.

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Matthew Neuberger: And thinking you know I don't know that this is my I don't know if it's the right life for me, and that was a little bit hard, because at that time I was successful but I wasn't happy, I was really feeling like something was just wrong right like Is this all there is no I stopped.

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Matthew Neuberger: And from there, we just happened to you know when you're at that age and for me that was.

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Matthew Neuberger: Late 20s early 30s.

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Matthew Neuberger: I you know, not knowing what I wanted to do just started taking on other opportunities so was involved in a couple of other startups that were successful and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I also learned that's not what I wanted to do either.

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Matthew Neuberger: But along the way, I was picking up parts of the job that I really enjoyed and.

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Matthew Neuberger: That really got me to where I am today because I started putting the pieces together from those experiences so I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, especially because of fact and you and I were talking about this offline yeah that's how I met my wife, so I wouldn't trade it for anything but.

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Matthew Neuberger: investment banking well retail investments to investment banking to venture capital to startups to eventually what i'm doing now just starting neuberger company.

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Matthew Neuberger: And it's funny he says, I started doing a recovery day I was making no money and I told my wife, this is like the greatest job ever and she's like you know you have to make money.

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and

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Matthew Neuberger: I felt more wealthy nate doing what i'm doing now making no money than I ever did in my career after college leading up to that point.

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Nathan Hurd: What, why was that.

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Matthew Neuberger: I was doing what I wanted without worrying about what other people thought so I you know I literally started out just offering one simple product, which was sales training.

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Matthew Neuberger: And, was it, but I was helping people I was doing what you know, I was having an interaction with a person where they would get better I could see that got better and to me that was like you get paid for this people will pay you to do this, and so, for me.

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Matthew Neuberger: The reason I think it took off was because it just never per day for like work.

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Matthew Neuberger: Not for a day so yeah you know I remember the first client I had called me and said, you know i'd like to do a you know, a training was one person.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I charged him 20 $500 for like this.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know, private work, which I couldn't even afford to do now.

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Matthew Neuberger: and

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Matthew Neuberger: That was, like the most exciting one I ever got it was like wow, so this is proof that you can get paid for this, but I think my wife must be strong and you know encouragement to actually get paid for it because I probably would have done it for nothing and lived in a tent so yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know, it was just every day I can't believe i'm doing this.

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Matthew Neuberger: So it was like I can't believe you're doing this yeah yeah.

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Nathan Hurd: Please continue doing this, but only if you can make money doing this.

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Nathan Hurd: So what was your initial inspiration what drew you to.

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Nathan Hurd: sandler and what's become sales and management and leadership training What was it initially that drew you to that and was there anything about in particular about the prior experiences, you had had that gave you the.

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Nathan Hurd: Awareness to recognize that as something that was really what you were supposed to be doing.

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Matthew Neuberger: Yes, I loved working with businesses in my investment banking role and seeing that systems that process and actually caring for people in the process and.

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Matthew Neuberger: taking care of them was something that.

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Matthew Neuberger: seemed totally normal and natural to me, but was foreign to a lot of the people that I saw on my investment banking career.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know those businesses were focused, you could have managers with massive egos they were treating their people poorly you could see companies that weren't communicating a good.

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Matthew Neuberger: Go for direction, and so there was confusion, there was turnover.

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Matthew Neuberger: And it was all sort of this lack of process that I always thought was interesting and so that always registered with me like they really should.

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Matthew Neuberger: i'm not a consultant, but if I were, this is what I would be telling them to do so, I find I found myself a lot of times volunteering that advice, and you know when people give you free advice you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: You don't always enjoy getting it right hey you know you'd be better today right did I asked you how I could be better day no so shut up.

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Nathan Hurd: So right.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know, nobody wants that unsolicited advice, but I found myself doing that, so that was sort of that registered with me.

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Matthew Neuberger: Earlier in my career something else happened, it was pretty poignant you and I talked a little bit about this offline but.

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Matthew Neuberger: back when I was at spiky hair, you know you know funny suit wearing guy you know some you know you know polyester while I was that was fun, but.

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Matthew Neuberger: I remember that I wanted to go big.

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Matthew Neuberger: Like I just knew I wanted to do something big like everyone was literally cold calling people at home, asking if they want and you had to stay until nine o'clock at night because people don't answer their home phones are yet to comment businesses were bothering them and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I don't know that just it didn't feel as exciting as calling on a big opportunity, so I remember one day, called on.

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Matthew Neuberger: At the time the CEO was this gentleman named Mel karmazin at CBS and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I called and I wanted to figure out how we could do this and I had no good if he would have said yes matt let's do business, what are we doing I said I don't know.

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Nathan Hurd: Right.

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Matthew Neuberger: Can I hang out with you, could I, and it was I guess it was exciting, because I was, I felt like I could learn something from this person and I felt like what's the worst that can happen, you can say now.

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Matthew Neuberger: And the funny thing is that's when I transitioned from being a retail advisor to a investment banker in the prospecting for investment banking and.

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Matthew Neuberger: here's how that happened, and this is literally how I went from that job to the other job.

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Matthew Neuberger: I called I got mel's assistant assistant, and you know can can I tell him, you know why you're calling, you know who are you with.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I said in my best adult voice, this is Mr neuberger and i'm calling from Alex brown I appreciate, if you could give a call back at his can be something to that effect very authoritative right like i'm important.

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Matthew Neuberger: And then I do like it something's going to figure it out like you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: So he didn't call me back.

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Matthew Neuberger: But he had his CFO guy by the name of Fred Reynolds call me, so I get this phone call.

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Matthew Neuberger: From Fred Rentals so I just want to note for anyone watching this if you think you have to have your plan, all the way figured out you don't.

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Matthew Neuberger: Because I didn't know it was going to happen.

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Matthew Neuberger: It it was interesting so Fred calls me CFO and he leaves a voicemail and nate I must have played that voicemail back.

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Matthew Neuberger: 100 times.

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Matthew Neuberger: This is, you know this is Fred Reynolds from CBS I know that you contacted Mel i'm the CFO.

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Matthew Neuberger: Give me a call back we'd be interested in talking to you and hearing more about what you have to say and I didn't say anything so he thought I was an investment banker at Alex Brown.

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Matthew Neuberger: not be a broker.

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Matthew Neuberger: mm hmm and.

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Matthew Neuberger: i'm freaking out i'm like what do I do i've got a call this guy back and what am I going to say he's immediately going to figure out i'm like 20 something and then I have no pole at the Bank and the bay probably doesn't even know I work there, except for my boss.

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Matthew Neuberger: So right I call him back with my best adult voice that I could muster up at the time with all my excitement and.

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Matthew Neuberger: He did the talking, I simply said, you know we talked about this, you know the the idea of dumbing up and just waiting for someone else to talk so I don't eat up I said, you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: Fred you know, thank you for calling me back.

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Matthew Neuberger: Tell me a little bit more about why you're interested in talking.

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Matthew Neuberger: And you did he said we're making strategic acquisitions that we believe will be valuable for our media space.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I know that Alex brown probably sees a lot of pre ipo opportunities and to the extent those opportunities exist, and there may be a better partnership with us where we can help them go public.

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Matthew Neuberger: A greater evaluation we'd be interested in seeing anything you're saying.

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Matthew Neuberger: How does that sound, and of course I you know at that point, like I don't know half the words you just said Fred.

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Matthew Neuberger: But I will call somebody that I wrote them all down, and I will call somebody that definitely knows what those words mean I didn't say it that way that's what happened in my head.

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Matthew Neuberger: And, and so you know I ended up talking to my boss, and my boss said, you need to call the banking department and you need to talk to.

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Matthew Neuberger: The head of the healthcare banking division because they're seeing deals that might fit this description, so I call the head of the healthcare banking department, a guy by the name of stand blaylock.

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Matthew Neuberger: and stand having to be a nice guy to somebody was looking out for me here's a banker bankers typically.

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Matthew Neuberger: Some are no not all to have a big ego Sam treated me like I was as equal and he said, you know what are you gonna tell me what's going on, and I said.

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Matthew Neuberger: I don't know what happened but somehow i'm talking to the CFO CBS he's interested in finding deals and he's looking for these types of deals do we have anything and Stan said why don't you come to my office, I think we do.

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Matthew Neuberger: And that was really the beginning of how I ended up in the investment banking side because he's like how did you get this I said I just cold called he said never know.

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Matthew Neuberger: How did you get in front of Fred Rentals and I said I call call and he said well you're telling me here's pick up the phone and call him and I said Well, no, I called Mel karmazin and elegant and he said you got to come work for us, he said.

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Matthew Neuberger: Nobody does.

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Nathan Hurd: Right right.

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Matthew Neuberger: it's not hard you pick me you just do this, and again I had been conditioned i've been calling it, you know you know individuals asking for investments, and so this was a you know no different in my mind.

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Matthew Neuberger: Maybe a little more intimidating if yeah if i'm being honest it's it's a little more intimidating now that I think about it.

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Matthew Neuberger: So that's really how I got into it, but what I learned through that gate which pointed about that long story is is that I learned that.

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Matthew Neuberger: All the people I was working with at that time, like I would never do something like that, if I had gone around the office and asked what do you think about calling the CEO of this big media broadcast company.

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Matthew Neuberger: People laughed in my face, and I think so much in this world could be better if people didn't wait for others approval and what I learned there was, I can go for it and I don't even have to have my plan fully baked.

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Matthew Neuberger: The world needs people like that, and I just think there's so many people that have these thoughts in their head I should I should I should, and what I learned is, I have to listen to that voice and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I have to be comfortable you know going big and so you know these experiences in my life, whether it was.

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Matthew Neuberger: The maybe just noticing things in the mundane which was you know companies didn't have really good systems and need to treat their people better.

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Matthew Neuberger: There needs to be this alignment it's also you also have to be willing to go for it when that voice is talking to you have to act on and so those two things really led me to my career that i'm in now, which was.

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Matthew Neuberger: At first, being a sales trainer I mean you have to understand my friends are very accomplished pedigree mbas you know and from the best schools and I was now going to tell my support group i'm a sales trainer.

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Nathan Hurd: And by the way, by the way people that are listening listening to this might not know.

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Nathan Hurd: But Alex Brown was on the the single biggest building in the baltimore skyline you know for for many years and was a very prominent prestigious bank.

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Nathan Hurd: And company to be working for, so it sounds like you, you made a pretty bold choice you know to walk away from something so prestigious, at least in the eyes of probably your social group at the time and others and and get into something that you know was somewhat unknown.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah no it, it was you know my friends were like sales trainer like.

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Matthew Neuberger: what's that and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I guess you know my wife was absolutely convinced at the time, I mean, I had a country club membership when I made this choice to go into sales training.

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Matthew Neuberger: So my wife is like Okay, well, I guess we're no longer going to be members of the club I guess the cars are going to have to be downgraded I guess.

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Matthew Neuberger: No big house right, but my husband's happy, so my wife was very supportive of all that, but she was also when I told her what I wanted to do and and.

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Matthew Neuberger: If this is probably an important notable point when I was an investment banker and eight.

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Matthew Neuberger: I actually made sales training tapes and play them for my wife and the look of disappointment on her face when I showed her what I had created.

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Matthew Neuberger: I can see, it was like she was, like all of our dreams around what we'll be doing and traveling forget about that we're going to be staying in this town house forever.

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Matthew Neuberger: So I actually started fiddling with this prior to the change happening.

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Matthew Neuberger: But you know, I think, to your point Alex Brown was a very prestigious company, I was going to something that had a lot of prestige to something that nobody knew about.

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Nathan Hurd: So let me ask you something where you know I think a lot of people in in life.

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Nathan Hurd: find themselves in circumstances, whether it's professional circumstances or you know just part of social groups and they don't feel.

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Nathan Hurd: energized and they don't feel excited and they don't feel inspired by the people that they're around.

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Nathan Hurd: And sometimes people stay in those situations, for a very long period of time, and it can be for the wrong reasons, you know it can be for well.

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Nathan Hurd: It can be, for reasons that aren't necessarily aligned completely with their their own internal intuition or their own happiness, I mean I have heard you tell the story once before, but hearing it now it's making me realize how.

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Nathan Hurd: I mean this isn't this, this is an expression of you kind of following your own intuition, following your heart where were you not afraid that the success, you are, you know you had become accustomed to, or that you were on a track to.

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Nathan Hurd: Would not would you know, would go away what was their fear there.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah I mean, I think, a fundamental human need we all have is to belonging to be loved and to be you don't want to lose that right.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah great.

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Matthew Neuberger: So that what was starting to happen to me, and I think other people listening and you may have experienced sometimes the pain of staying where I was was becoming unbearable.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so I had to make a choice, and if that meant my friends wouldn't come with me then Okay, it just I couldn't stay in the environment, now, thankfully, my friends, all you know became supporters interested asked lots of questions supported me where they could.

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Matthew Neuberger: And you know, but if they hadn't I think I just came to the conclusion that if you're not going to support me.

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Matthew Neuberger: Then this isn't the right friendship right so Stan as an example.

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Matthew Neuberger: When he left Alex for and he went to a company that as a CEO he brought me in to work with his company and his team.

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Matthew Neuberger: And they ended up having a very successful exit so that's you know, an example of you know, friends, supporting it so yeah it just it just came to the point was like there is just no way I can continue to do what i'm doing is wasting my time.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah yeah all right well that's that's really that's really helpful and the other thing that that strikes me is that your you kind of alluded to this, but just simply.

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Nathan Hurd: Listening to your intuition and doing the thing that you're not even totally confident.

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Nathan Hurd: about how it's going to play out or what's going to happen next, but just starting with taking the actions that you think are probably the right actions to take, and then figuring out how to solve all the questions that might come up along the way.

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Nathan Hurd: I think everybody probably can relate to wrestling with hesitation, I know I certainly can.

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Matthew Neuberger: I think.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah I think I might summarize it for people listening to this in this way.

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Matthew Neuberger: Money does not proceed happiness and I think that is something people know but can't get comfortable with.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know, money is a byproduct of happiness.

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Matthew Neuberger: Every time in my life, I made a choice through there to make money for security.

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Matthew Neuberger: I ended up less happy with the situation, every time I made the choice happiness first money followed very quickly much more quickly than I thought it would.

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Matthew Neuberger: make sense.

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So.

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Matthew Neuberger: i'll share this with you, because I think about illustrate the point.

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Matthew Neuberger: I started at a company called legg mason and other bank in town.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right involved yeah and I know in baltimore.

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Matthew Neuberger: I was the rookie burger and I was doing great right and and.

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Matthew Neuberger: There was a point at which I said to myself it'd be really fun to work in the downtown office, instead of the rural office.

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Matthew Neuberger: So I went to you know I went to my manager of my local office and time on it i'm not i'm not aware of everything so.

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Matthew Neuberger: I go to my boss, and I say i'd like to move to the downtown office not realizing you know that i'm taking away revenue and production from his office and it's not at the time, I thought was one big company who cares where I work.

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Matthew Neuberger: I found that my manager cares where I work.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: I went into him and his name was Alan I won't give his last name is not important, but I walked into his office and I said, you know hey I want to talk to you about moving to the downtown office.

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Matthew Neuberger: And he swiveled his chair around his desk and he looked right at me and he said you get back to your desk This is where you work I don't want to hear another thing about this go do your job.

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Matthew Neuberger: to the point where like Have you ever had someone yell at you where it feels like you're going to just like you don't know what's going to happen, like you're going to face.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: that's where I was and I went back to my desk and I just tried to mentally recover from it felt like a violent experience today.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah it wasn't like he was gonna hit him, but it was like scared the.

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Matthew Neuberger: heck out of me just I had never had anyone talk to me that way.

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Nathan Hurd: it'll shut down yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: A total shutdown and yeah that's really what it was and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I decided i'm going to go to wrestling forget this.

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Matthew Neuberger: So I I went to prudential and Alex Brown.

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Matthew Neuberger: Prudential offered me at the time, a check for $80,000 a check come join us you're signing bonuses $80,000 and we'll pay you a salary and you'll get all these incentive, I was going to make a lot of money.

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Matthew Neuberger: But.

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Matthew Neuberger: On the other hand, I had Alex Brown and they said yeah we'd like to hire you to, and I said okay what's my signing bonus, and they laughed.

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Matthew Neuberger: Okay.

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Matthew Neuberger: I said what's my pay and they said how about we give you 5000 bucks a month to get started, and then we you go full Commission after five months or six months.

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Matthew Neuberger: Like that's prudential lots of money Alex brown no money but really great name right, so I made the decision.

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Matthew Neuberger: To not go to prudential because I felt like ultimately the best choice for me in the long run, and where I learned the most because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I felt like I would learn a lot more and Alex Brown, so I took the lower paycheck way lower paycheck.

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Matthew Neuberger: And i'm really glad I did, had I gone for the paycheck first.

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Matthew Neuberger: I don't know that I would have learned a half of what I learned at Alex Brown, I was in you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: i'm in a in a boardroom at black rock station, with the CFO of CBS and an entire banking team.

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Matthew Neuberger: That would not have happened at prudential for me that was not a career path option for me that was reasonable.

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Matthew Neuberger: So, again to this point of you know if you make the right decision, but you take immediate payoff out of the equation.

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Matthew Neuberger: The payoff can be mass right I ended up meeting my wife and Alex brown I ended up learning so much about business it Alex brown which inform me on the decision to choose, something I really liked that i'm happy.

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Matthew Neuberger: But if I just chosen money.

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Matthew Neuberger: i'm not sure where that pathway of lead, I know I don't know where that path, but I don't think it would have led to Brian hours happy science.

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Matthew Neuberger: So.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah it.

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Nathan Hurd: really is amazing.

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Matthew Neuberger: Happy amazing proceeds money not money first and you're happy right.

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Nathan Hurd: I think people I think a lot, you know a lot of us imagine we want to make those kinds of decisions that.

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Nathan Hurd: That when the time comes, we will but it's really you know it's you know it's inspiring to hear stories about how you, you know, on many occasions you've made those choices that were.

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Nathan Hurd: Not on paper easy choices to make, but how it really did play out in a way that was you know better and meaningful and wonderful for for your life.

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Nathan Hurd: Well, listen I you know, to me, you have.

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Nathan Hurd: you're just such a wonderful wealth of knowledge on what it takes to be successful, and I know you do you spend a lot of time coaching people on this very thing and.

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Nathan Hurd: Today, or yeah.

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Nathan Hurd: Perfect so.

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Nathan Hurd: I guess, let me ask you this, when it comes to thinking about one's life and the Meta skills, I think you started to touch on a few of them they're pretty clearly the Meta skills that anyone.

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Nathan Hurd: At any age in any circumstance should be.

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Nathan Hurd: Thinking about cultivating to be successful in business in life, what comes to mind what are some of the Meta skills that you think are most important.

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Matthew Neuberger: And that's a hard question there, I think.

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Matthew Neuberger: I think one of the skills that is most important yourself, and I was talking to a friend, the other day, who has been a friend for 25 years.

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Matthew Neuberger: And it was just you know just talking about life and, but I think this is one of the skills, you really have to have is is I don't think that people are are honest with themselves enough.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know.

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Matthew Neuberger: You might see it in an employee who says, I can definitely do this job, and you, and they both know you can't.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right or it's not something you really want to do, but you're doing it for the wrong reasons or anything like that.

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Matthew Neuberger: That, I think the the skill, you have to have is to really take a hard look at yourself be okay with yourself right no one's going to love you until you love yourself all of that, but the Meta skill really is your ability to be self aware and honest with yourself.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I think we all agree with it, but if you look at the population.

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Matthew Neuberger: I don't know that a lot of people are practicing.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right awesome, what do you love, what are your capabilities, where you need to spend your time were you lying to yourself, what do you really is it what your friend accomplished, do you need to be like your friend, or are you creating your own path.

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Matthew Neuberger: And you know I would say that just you know employer figures it out, eventually, they fire, you are where they move you around and the organization, but I think that's a skill to being successful that a lot of people overlook.

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Matthew Neuberger: I think that you know another Meta skill is really understanding how to inventory what's important to you.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I think it's so much society conditioned you as to what success looks like and you can you can take that on without question if living in a tent for the rest of your life makes you happy.

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Matthew Neuberger: And then that's what you should do if being super financially successful is what makes you happy then that's what you should do, but you need to really understand whether that's that's for you.

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Matthew Neuberger: Rather than trying to fit into some other stereotype, so I think that's you know from understanding those aspects of your life right, what are your personal goals for your financial goals, what are your.

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Matthew Neuberger: Your friendship goals, what are your travel goals, really, what are they one of the things that nobody has to give you input on I used to say it like this.

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Matthew Neuberger: In high school from time to time, I would see this experience, you may have seen this today, but you know your one of your friends is dating somebody.

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Matthew Neuberger: let's say it's a you know your your friends, a guy and he's dating a girl, and he comes up to me, says nate, what do you think of the girl on day I can't decide.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, that person who already knows the answer.

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Matthew Neuberger: When you met your wife, did you have to ask anybody what they thought of her or would you married or no matter what.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: When you know your path you don't give a crap what.

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Nathan Hurd: anyone thinks yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: They either get on board and they have to get on.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I you know and Chris sacca you know you see him on the shark tank he has a nice way of saying says it's either a hell no or hell, yes.

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Matthew Neuberger: And what he's just saying is let's get really clear there's no middle ground you're all in or you're out if you want a great life that's a skill being able to determine, are you all in all out but don't sit there in the middle of the way.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah that that that brings so true I am i'd love to I really want to get into goals, and I know it's something that you, you are are are known for is really helping people to get clear about exactly what you just described.

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Nathan Hurd: Before we get there, can we can we pause on the self awareness piece, because I think this is, you know it in my experience, some people think they're self aware, but they might be confused about that or.

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Matthew Neuberger: They might want to ask yourself if you talk to yourself right it's a little bit of it yeah.

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Nathan Hurd: Right you're self aware of the things that are easy to be self aware.

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Nathan Hurd: That you like to be.

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Matthew Neuberger: I know that you.

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Nathan Hurd: like to acknowledge by yourself, but not so much about things you don't like to acknowledge, perhaps.

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Nathan Hurd: So what have you found in your life and what do you recommend for other people where you see self awareness is something is an opportunity where they can they can become more self aware, are there, certain tools or resources or habits.

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Nathan Hurd: exercises that you have found are useful to cultivate self awareness.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah and so you know, sometimes nate success creates a lack of self awareness i'm successful I don't need to listen to my house right that.

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Matthew Neuberger: you're successful to now.

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Matthew Neuberger: that's all that means.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right and a lot of times successful people stop listening and so an easy hack yes, we have electronic assessments and things like that that will measure self awareness, but.

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Matthew Neuberger: It comes down to effort, whether you take an electronic evaluation or not.

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Matthew Neuberger: What are the themes of your life what keeps happening.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so you know as i'm saying, if you, you know if you run into a jerk while you're out You ran into a jerk but if Everywhere you go you're running into jerks you're the jerk.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so it comes down to simple acts like asking your friends and your family and your coworkers for feedback, is something that you've done your very self aware guy you're always what do I not what we were my blind spots, why not now and.

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Matthew Neuberger: If you know, one of the simple hacks that I really liked date is is writing a letter to your friends send them an email.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I want to improve.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I want to become more self aware i'd like to know, and I would be happy to return the favor i'd like you to give 15 minutes of thought to what do you see as my strengths areas where I excel and where do you see as areas that are blind spots things I may not be aware of.

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Matthew Neuberger: If I were I could take appropriate action to be a better person in that area of my life.

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Matthew Neuberger: I appreciate you I look forward to reading this and sharing it with you and, again, at your request, i'd be happy to do this for you as well.

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Matthew Neuberger: And yeah choose wisely.

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Matthew Neuberger: Choose friends that will be honest with you know people tend to go make your great I love you the best, how could I ever say anything bad about you don't need.

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Matthew Neuberger: You don't need that if you're going to do the effort correctly you're going to go to people where you're afraid of what they're going to say.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah right.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah so that's I mean to that is a great point the fear and i'll be honest, I for four years of my life was afraid to really know what other people thought I was afraid of my own frailties.

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Nathan Hurd: But I have come to view it the opposite way and i've come to really embrace and love my frailties.

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Nathan Hurd: And and they've you know they've led me to do and feel and become a lot of things that I feel good about, but that wasn't always that way, so how.

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Nathan Hurd: How do you think about that, how do you think about you know.

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Nathan Hurd: Becoming okay and becoming comfortable and becoming open to seeing everything all the all this stuff that's beautiful and all the stuff that's harder to to understand or to embrace and the value that can come from you know becoming willing to do that.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, I think.

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Matthew Neuberger: it's hard, I mean it, you know from a human standpoint, you know the deepest fear is not being you know not being loved right.

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Matthew Neuberger: So you're afraid you're going to potentially have someone else realize you're not worthy of love or your position in life you're a fraud or whatever it is not not you, but this is how I think people think it's like.

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Matthew Neuberger: If I if I don't accentuate my strengths and downplay my weaknesses and I won't be loved, no one will want to be around.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I think it's a it's a level of suffering that that people endure unnecessary.

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Matthew Neuberger: Because the fact of the matter is, you and I both know rationally people know our weaknesses and because we ignore them does not mean they are not there, so you.

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Matthew Neuberger: Look at it like life is going to come knocking on your door, would you rather play offense in that game or Defense if you ignore your weaknesses life is going to correct you.

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Matthew Neuberger: you're not going to trick life right it's not it's not how it works if you're a jerk to enough people over time that's going to be a problem if you're insensitive to other people's feelings if you're not giving people a fair shake you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: you're not conducting your sales meetings right I don't care what it is eventually the role is going to come to you and say yeah we're kind of sick and tired of this.

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Matthew Neuberger: and your best friends gonna say I quit I don't want to be your best friend.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right.

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Matthew Neuberger: If you have blind spots around money your money will leave.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right money likes to be loved just like people right if you're not paying attention to it, it goes away my dad had a great saying, which was a fool and his money are soon parted right whatever you don't pay attention to in your life is tending to atrophy.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, where you put your energy tends to grow, so if we think about it that way for anyone who's listening, what I would encourage them to think about is.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know what are the areas in life that are imperative to you.

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Matthew Neuberger: And you do not want that wake up call.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah yeah definitely so um so that that's a really helpful way to look at it and would you say, I know that you know it's um failure is is in a similar vein, I mean people.

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Nathan Hurd: can be afraid of failure, but I have heard you say, and you know many people who have become successful say that failure is a pathway to success so.

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Nathan Hurd: You know, in the moments that you've had in your life, where you've taken big risks or you've done things where you know you failed how have you learned to view failure and how have you learned to embrace it in the same way.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, if anyone were to look back on their life and failures and then what comes out of that right it's using the point of failure is okay what happened from there wow everything got better.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so we know you know there's that saying that you know when people fail right they really tend to to work on.

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Matthew Neuberger: What they need to do better right thing when they fail, they ponder, but when they succeed we sort of tend to party.

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Matthew Neuberger: And when your party and you're not thinking about where you need to get better you're relaxing right so.

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Matthew Neuberger: To me failure is a way of simplifying it is to say failure in the moment isn't permanent it's a building block it's nothing more than a building block So if you failed, today you just created a building block for your future, there are times in business where i'm like.

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Matthew Neuberger: I feel like I can't do anything right.

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Matthew Neuberger: My business isn't perfect I make lots of mistakes I get fired by clients all that stuff happens, but guess what things keep getting better.

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Matthew Neuberger: But if I focused on the fear of Oh, my goodness, I can't be this business because you get by my plans.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, I was talking to a friend about this, the other day, and again, one of the things I would say just a Meta skills building your friend group right, let me give you an example of failure, and a great friend group.

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Matthew Neuberger: talking to a friend, he is massively successful financially on that on that front, he is massively successful.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I call them and I see you know we're we're talking about something we're going to be doing together, and I said, you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know I every time I talked to I learned something I said you've got the midas touch everything you touch turns to gold.

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Matthew Neuberger: And he laughed his ass off he said man, do you know how much I have script that much money i've lost on investments, do you know much i've screwed up and i'm like how could that be possible everything I see you do turns into millions of dollars.

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Matthew Neuberger: In some cases, hundreds of millions of dollars don't give me that crap don't be self you know don't don't be so humble stop that fake humility.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: He said I bought an apartment building that failed, I went into a partnership that failed I bought into these retail things that fail, it did you want me to keep going.

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Matthew Neuberger: And so what I learned from that thanks to my Meta skill of building good friends was I had put him on a pedestal.

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Matthew Neuberger: He was going for in life his way, but what I learned is no matter if you go, big or small failure is going to be a part of it.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right so successful people in my mind fail more than unsuccessful people, but with successful people failure is always temporary with unsuccessful people failure is permanent.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: Because they they're always avoiding the failure and by by time they never go for it and everything's a failure, you know they don't say to themselves, you know look, I have to invest in learning for myself.

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Matthew Neuberger: I have to read more, I have to get smarter right they they don't because they're like what's the I look at my friends, nobody successful.

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Matthew Neuberger: It just doesn't work it's for the privilege few and I don't know how they do it, I never will because i'm not the right friend group i'm not the right geography of not you know the right person.

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Matthew Neuberger: A male or female yeah whatever it's right we just build these these permanent failure infrastructures that aren't necessary.

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Matthew Neuberger: So you know for me it's you know failure comes down to understanding that they are building blocks, you are not going to build a tower of success, whatever that means in your life and how you define it without getting all the failure blocks to build the infrastructure so.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah you know you're never going anywhere.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah I yeah I think that's that's very well said, and one other thing I want to pick up on which is, which is, which was in everything you you just so nicely laid out there.

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Nathan Hurd: Is that you know people recognize people, even if you don't want people to see your frailties your failures like people are very intuitive and they will anyway, and I don't know if you've seen this or you found this or you think about this, but i'd love to hear it.

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Nathan Hurd: i've started to feel like.

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Nathan Hurd: The willingness to embrace all of who you are like when I come across people who I know are open or honest are authentic.

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Nathan Hurd: and communicate what they're good at what they're not good at, and just come across as someone who's trying to learn to try to improve.

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Nathan Hurd: I mean, I know people in their 70s and 80s, who are waking up every day, trying to get better and it's just incredibly inspiring.

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Nathan Hurd: And it's also very endearing you know, to have people who really admire them, so it feels to me like and i'd love to hear your perspective on this.

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Nathan Hurd: That embracing frailties embracing failures is not only a pathway to success, but people are intuitive and the more authentic you are about it, the more supportive the network and the Community you're building tends to be helping you to grow.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, to put it in words people understand you are a sexy when you're showing your frailties and I don't mean sexy like you're you know you know you should be on a magazine cover, but it is massively attractive to other people everybody wants to be okay.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I think what we want to do is we see these images of you know, the successful people and their commercial show them driving up to their jet.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know and they're in their bentley and they've got a helicopter and they're always flying places in their private jet, and that makes people feel not okay that's not sexy.

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Matthew Neuberger: People want to feel Okay, because they have the same frailties and insecurities you do and when you're willing to be open about it.

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Matthew Neuberger: It allows them to be a little bit more of themselves to be a little more comfortable with themselves and that's what they want to be around so it makes sense.

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Nathan Hurd: It totally does yeah it totally does and actually that's a perfect opening to go into another another kind of broad topic that I would really love to get some of your insight on so.

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Nathan Hurd: I know that you know you have you have our I consider you to be a complete expert in the art of communication, you know communicating with other people in persuasion and negotiation and.

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Nathan Hurd: i'd love to talk a little bit about that, so what, how do you think about the concept of persuasion and influence as just a skill that is important in a life well lived or you know, in creating success in in in any area of life, how do you do it.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, of course, we kind of already touched on how you communicate with yourself.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah right not making excuses things like that not ignore your weaknesses, the external communication, you know i've look when I think it's very important my my viewpoint on it is from my unique perspective in life so it's not for everybody, but I was you know I grew up in a family, where.

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Matthew Neuberger: There were a lot of divorces and and here's what I mean by that, when my father was getting married for the fourth time.

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Matthew Neuberger: He said, you know he sees there as he sees with the rabbi and the rabbi says to my dad Mr neuberger i've been married people for 35 years and before he could finish the sentence, my father said so am I.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right That was my life as a kid here's your here's dad's new wife and here's mom's new husband, that was a lot of how I grew up so.

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Matthew Neuberger: I bounced back and forth between my parents, a lot, I was constantly at a young age meeting new people and figuring out there's this new person in my house of what does that mean do they like me do they not like me, you know, could I be kicked out of the House and that didn't happen.

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Matthew Neuberger: You learn, you know and and and and being in and out of school, so I graduated high school and, but it was a hard experience it was I was working a full time job in high school.

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Matthew Neuberger: And you know what I learned, was it was very important for me for survival, to be able to communicate well, so I was a student at a young age, out of necessity.

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Matthew Neuberger: When I say this, I might get hit, and when I say that I might get a cookie.

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Nathan Hurd: Right.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right.

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Nathan Hurd: yeah it was.

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Matthew Neuberger: A it was a very fundamental training program I wasn't I would not recommend it for most people.

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Matthew Neuberger: But.

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Matthew Neuberger: I was paying very close attention to what seemed to work, so I got I would say the the out of high school or or you know outside the normal learning curriculum that I was exposed to.

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Matthew Neuberger: I very quickly learned that you know people listen and evaluate what you're saying and then action happens some sort of action happens and.

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Matthew Neuberger: I really was so fascinated I really liked it I liked the idea I could make somebody feel good I like the idea I could get what I wanted.

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Matthew Neuberger: Is selfish as that sounds right, and so, if you know, for me it was like down to granular stuff like what's the tone of voice that works here.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right how abrupt do you want to be, or should I back off, and I would watch everyone around me and see how they reacted to each other, then I would begin to adapt.

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Matthew Neuberger: Those those things to the lexicon of how you communicate with people, so I think it's absolutely critical again from growing up in a situation where I had to survive right.

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Matthew Neuberger: yeah yeah.

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Matthew Neuberger: And and and I think that you know just from from thinking about.

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Matthew Neuberger: Other people.

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Matthew Neuberger: We tend to view life, from our perspective and our values right there's this saying that.

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Matthew Neuberger: We tend to judge ourselves based on our intentions, but others on their actions right and being self aware of that means that you, you understand that there are other perspectives right you understand, there are other ways of thinking about Problem Solving other ways of thinking about.

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Matthew Neuberger: Politics, whatever it is, and what's most important is you master the way they communicate.

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Matthew Neuberger: Not the way you've developed how to communicate.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so you have people that drive you crazy because they can't make a decision you have people to talk away too much around you, you have people that intimidate you when you talk to them right.

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Matthew Neuberger: You you probably know, people in your life that are always coulda shoulda woulda wish, we would have done that they went back and it's photo right.

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Matthew Neuberger: We have only done this, we only invested in that stock that went up 5,000% right.

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Matthew Neuberger: it's an in and that may not jibe with your normal perspective and values, but the fact of the matter is those other values of these other people are wrong they're just different, and if you truly want to impact people.

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Matthew Neuberger: Maybe said selfishly if you want to get what you want, out of life.

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Matthew Neuberger: The quality of your life will be determined by the quality of your communication with others, not just yourself, then you have to care enough to understand how they value.

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Matthew Neuberger: And then it's not wrong how they communicate and actually almost like a foreign language, be able to speak that language fluently.

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Matthew Neuberger: Because.

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Nathan Hurd: matt do you think.

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Nathan Hurd: Do you think that influence is a factor in basically every human interaction.

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Matthew Neuberger: Absolutely.

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Matthew Neuberger: Absolutely.

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Nathan Hurd: In what way.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, you know, I think that there's there's lots of different things that are important when it comes to influence right so there's.

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Matthew Neuberger: there's a great book I love on this by Dr Robert cialdini talks about that psychology of influence right.

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Matthew Neuberger: He talks about you know and and what I believe and i've seen is you know we all know, you know, like a simple example of importance influence, I want to influence somebody one of the ways it's natural been done over time, as you give first right.

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Matthew Neuberger: You might be called seek first to understand, before being understood it might be called be interested not interesting right all of those things are influence tools.

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Matthew Neuberger: And what we're doing is is one of the most powerful things we're doing is we're saying look under there is no condition that has to be met for for me to.

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Nathan Hurd: give to you.

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Matthew Neuberger: that's power.

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Matthew Neuberger: So if you want to influence people don't start with what you're going to get start with helping as many people as possible and getting what they want.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right.

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Matthew Neuberger: Like one of the simplest things nate and give it.

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Matthew Neuberger: Is if you're in a conversation with somebody and they say something really great take out a pad of paper and start writing Oh, my goodness.

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Matthew Neuberger: Take notes on what they're saying that person is like well down do me tell you more right and that's an easy give and that give us nothing more than your full press, which today is pretty hard to do fair.

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Matthew Neuberger: You know, for those who want to influence our listening who needs your full presence, right now, without a screen without an electronic device without any distraction, you know it's funny we have.

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Matthew Neuberger: We have completed my wife about this she's not influencing you right now, and I have to figure out how to influence or this one area we got a we got a new dog.

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Matthew Neuberger: And so i'll be talking to my wife and she'll be right in the middle of a conversation like something you know i'm like i'm really like connecting with her and she'll turn to go Nina stop it and i'm like how How dare you.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right.

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Matthew Neuberger: And she's not influencing me in that moment, the way I want to be influenced, but you know, at the same time, I could influence her better to, and I could say you know what it seems like need a problem also go for a walk why don't we walk and talk.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right it's giving nothing frustrating situation but giving more in that situation where clearly more needs to be given so.

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Matthew Neuberger: I would say, as, in principle, if you really want to influence people it's give more but it's not pull out your wallet.

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Matthew Neuberger: To give you time your attention your thoughts your awareness your understanding see the person.

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Matthew Neuberger: And I think that that helps, but there are lots of other principles right if there's ways of influencing people by being consistent if there's something you want.

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Matthew Neuberger: kids figure this one out a long time ago, just constantly asked for it until your parents give it did you ever do that your parents.

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Nathan Hurd: Oh yeah Oh, of course, and you know my my children do this to me all day, every day, you know.

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Matthew Neuberger: As it didn't work.

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Nathan Hurd: It does work actually more than I would like it to but you know you're right yeah ask enough and it just.

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Matthew Neuberger: that's it let's.

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Nathan Hurd: move on.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, what it is, in simple form is you're being very clear about what you want, and at some point that other person decides, they want to make you happy and their brains, is how do I make.

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Matthew Neuberger: My child happy in this moment they've been asking for this for like weeks i'm going to go make them happy so light them up, so if you want to influence people you really have to figure out what what are they either overtly or maybe.

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Matthew Neuberger: subconsciously asking what are they asking.

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Matthew Neuberger: going to give it to.

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Nathan Hurd: Okay, so let's let's break this down a little bit because it strikes me that you know.

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Nathan Hurd: If we, if you would agree that every human interaction, whether it's the person you meet at a restaurant or your child or you know, a partner or a friend, or you know you name it influences a big part of how you're going to reach what you want, in life, and you know be be successful.

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Nathan Hurd: One of the things that I frankly admire about and have have learned from you over the years is you really genuinely seem to have a love for human beings.

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Nathan Hurd: And that love for human beings is expressed through what you just described at least some some of the ways i've seen it with just an intense curiosity.

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Nathan Hurd: Now you and I have both seen, and there are probably lots of ineffective ways to influence people like as you described before just talking and talking and talking until somebody wants to rip their hair out.

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Nathan Hurd: But what would you say you know, in addition to being coming to the table coming to a conversation coming to an interaction with a generous spirit, as I think you just described.

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Nathan Hurd: Can you talk a little bit about.

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Nathan Hurd: The importance of curiosity in influence in negotiations and conversation.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, if you think about it, one of the things I tell.

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Matthew Neuberger: I tell CEOs and managers and sales people a lot is you do not get paid for the information that comes out of your mouth.

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Matthew Neuberger: Or that you send in an email or that you deliver in a doctor, you get paid for the information you gather your life as a direct reflection of how much you gather.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right in terms of understanding other people and influencing other people, how can you possibly influence somebody if you don't know what matters to them what are their hobbies what are they worried about what are they scared about what are they excited about see people really.

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Matthew Neuberger: tend to take action, for three reasons.

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Matthew Neuberger: they're currently in pain.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, so I gave that example earlier, I was in so much pain in my career, I had to take action when you're in pain you take action right, you have a splitting headache you take an aspirin.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right, but if you think you might have a headache you I don't know, do you take one I don't know so you're in pain, now the next one is you fear you will be in pain.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right and then last is you perceive some level of game that we know that the most powerful influence is current pain.

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Matthew Neuberger: If you're currently in pain, you will take recommendations and action much quicker right.

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Matthew Neuberger: So you know it from from that perspective if you know you really want to influence influence people powerfully connect with their pain.

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Nathan Hurd: So how do you do that, how do you connect with people's pain and and let me.

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Nathan Hurd: Let me just invite you to take any direction you want with this like, if you want to give a straight up professional example like a business scenario.

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Nathan Hurd: please feel free.

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Nathan Hurd: If you want to give an example where you're you know.

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Nathan Hurd: Trying to connect deeply with a friend or with a relative over the holidays or something I mean you know a lot of our conversation these days is surface level, I think, or more surface level than it could be and.

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Nathan Hurd: You know.

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Nathan Hurd: Being genuinely curious, is it was wonderful, so how you how do you do it, how do you approach people in a way that is in.

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Nathan Hurd: That it's well received right so that they're willing to talk to you in there and there and they're open to sharing.

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Matthew Neuberger: Well, first, you have to know that when you connect with people really connect.

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Matthew Neuberger: Your way more successful so business example is you get you typically can make a recommendation to a client and the client will fall it no questions asked.

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Matthew Neuberger: Right that's influence now with a friend it's with a friend has to believe that you care now there's both style and substance to this how you act over time as a human day.

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Matthew Neuberger: If you screw your friends over and say i'm sorry and I told you, I was sorry that doesn't mean anything you're not influencing anybody in that situation.

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Matthew Neuberger: You can't have a pattern of bad behavior and apologize away that's not influenced influenced is the opposite it's where you continue to hit that note with your friend or with that client.

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Matthew Neuberger: That they value so if we think about how you know that works in terms of influence and what you do, the first thing you have to understand let's just talk tactically for a minute here.

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Matthew Neuberger: This style aspect of influencing is really around making sure that you look like the person that you're talking to.

440
01:01:28.050 --> 01:01:40.110
Matthew Neuberger: Because that makes sense if you've ever talked to me and and they didn't just they weren't actively listening to you right they repeat back your words that didn't seem like you're paying attention they weren't making eye contact looking at a screen.

441
01:01:41.280 --> 01:01:46.080
Matthew Neuberger: They have no influence that person has no influence you want to influence somebody start with simple things like direct eye contact.

442
01:01:47.760 --> 01:01:54.570
Matthew Neuberger: I know i'm being overly obvious and simplistic but nate we've talked about this before, there are three things that you have to start with.

443
01:01:54.960 --> 01:02:05.250
Matthew Neuberger: as it relates to creating a strong connection or influence can happen, and that is, you have to have the right body language, you have to write tone of voice, you have to write speed and pace of language, and you have to be using the right words.

444
01:02:05.700 --> 01:02:20.730
Matthew Neuberger: If you want to influence somebody they have to first feel comfortable that you're hearing them that you're seeing them and the best way to do that is to just authentically connecting without distractions as the first thing you have to do right.

445
01:02:20.970 --> 01:02:28.470
Nathan Hurd: Alright, so let's let's slow this down and some people can capture each step so let's say that they're sitting down in a business meeting.

446
01:02:28.980 --> 01:02:35.520
Nathan Hurd: And they want to have influence in that business meeting your suggestion is that you approach the conversation, to begin with.

447
01:02:35.970 --> 01:02:46.320
Nathan Hurd: By eliminating as many distractions as you possibly can let's say you may be silence your phone you, you know you put your out of office on you kind of clear the decks.

448
01:02:46.410 --> 01:02:53.820
Matthew Neuberger: yeah take off the, off the table don't put it on the table phased out leave the phones off the table yeah keep going.

449
01:02:54.900 --> 01:02:59.400
Nathan Hurd: To good, by the way, that's a good recommendation for dinner time in your household as well.

450
01:03:00.600 --> 01:03:01.320
Matthew Neuberger: Sure, so.

451
01:03:02.010 --> 01:03:13.770
Nathan Hurd: But so then your your goal is to connect and you're suggesting that starts with the eyes, so making sure you're really engaged and have eye contact.

452
01:03:14.310 --> 01:03:26.130
Matthew Neuberger: Similar I contacted the person you're talking to don't stare a hole into them right and then don't look at your shoes, the whole time you're talking but yeah make similar levels of eye contact that they're making with you.

453
01:03:27.270 --> 01:03:36.690
Matthew Neuberger: they're going to start actually looking at them and they everybody knows this, but nobody's doing it right so it's not do you know this that's not what people should be taking away, people are saying, am I doing this.

454
01:03:37.320 --> 01:03:50.070
Nathan Hurd: Right right I would I would totally agree with you it's these are these are things that probably people will have heard at some point, but the truth is, if you walk around in the world, a lot of people do not do these things.

455
01:03:50.760 --> 01:04:02.430
Matthew Neuberger: So, and just by the mere fact that everyone's having a lot of video meetings, instead of in person meetings now means you always have that screen and the distractions so we're getting more and more aware of the fact that we're doing it because it's so normal.

456
01:04:03.600 --> 01:04:19.410
Nathan Hurd: Okay, so I love that you brought that up so maybe from a virtual standpoint it's also important yes to clear the decks on your virtual device if you're having a zoom call, so you don't have email up you don't have background stuff happening you're just totally engaged in the call yes.

457
01:04:20.040 --> 01:04:30.630
Matthew Neuberger: yeah absolutely and you know there's always a few people that oh my cameras broken i've never yet seen a computer where the cameras broken like I have not actually seen it physically.

458
01:04:31.230 --> 01:04:38.400
Matthew Neuberger: But you know my cameras broken I get you're having a bad hair day but I don't care about your hair I care about making a connection with you and.

459
01:04:39.450 --> 01:04:52.770
Matthew Neuberger: You know, and you know, so we see a lot of that you know my cameras broken, or you know i'm in my car so i'm driving and I can't you know and all those things are happening and becoming more and more normal, the problem is you're not connected.

460
01:04:53.910 --> 01:04:54.390
Right okay.

461
01:04:55.650 --> 01:05:05.910
Matthew Neuberger: All right, so so presence presence, whether it's virtual or not, but Presidents virtually certainly means visual visually available to to show that eye contact what's what's next what else is.

462
01:05:06.000 --> 01:05:08.820
Nathan Hurd: As part of that initial connection.

463
01:05:09.720 --> 01:05:23.340
Matthew Neuberger: Well, I think, in you know, in a lot of schools have realized this and you know, and this is something that's a little bit of interesting it's happening in society here we're becoming more aware of the fact that a lot of kids are add right or having anxiety or ADHD.

464
01:05:24.480 --> 01:05:30.810
Matthew Neuberger: and schools are waking up to the fact, this next point which is people process information differently.

465
01:05:32.100 --> 01:05:41.850
Matthew Neuberger: Right so think of it as some people experience life practically through a sense your sight sound smell taste stuck to that and.

466
01:05:43.170 --> 01:05:51.210
Matthew Neuberger: and based on that if you're aware of how somebody actually takes information in they have one of those senses is their primary sense.

467
01:05:53.340 --> 01:06:00.600
Matthew Neuberger: As simple as it sounds it's you tend to be more visually dominant that tell you like your information, you like to see it to believe it.

468
01:06:01.200 --> 01:06:12.180
Matthew Neuberger: auditory is have to hear it and process it and kinesthetic have to get a feeling right to seeing or just isn't enough they really have to take a little bit more time to get a feeling.

469
01:06:13.020 --> 01:06:20.460
Matthew Neuberger: And that is based on these different you know being visual auditory or kinesthetic schools and realized that.

470
01:06:21.780 --> 01:06:27.660
Matthew Neuberger: Part of the reasons kids are ADHD or have a hard time learning is is you're trying to give them a visual lesson and there are kinesthetic.

471
01:06:31.560 --> 01:06:37.530
Matthew Neuberger: So, think of it as influencing people as you've got a classroom full of 10 year olds.

472
01:06:39.210 --> 01:06:41.760
Matthew Neuberger: And they're all ADHD.

473
01:06:43.470 --> 01:06:54.900
Matthew Neuberger: And you got to figure out which way they can take the information and get a decent score on the test, if you want to influence people, you have to use you've got to be aware of how they like their information.

474
01:06:55.800 --> 01:06:56.490
Nathan Hurd: So how do you tell.

475
01:06:57.150 --> 01:06:59.610
Nathan Hurd: How do you tell like if I if i'm sitting across from you.

476
01:06:59.910 --> 01:07:03.720
Nathan Hurd: What kind of cues would I look for in the first few minutes that would give me hints.

477
01:07:04.440 --> 01:07:08.070
Matthew Neuberger: of verbal cue would be I tend to use a lot of visual words see what i'm saying.

478
01:07:09.720 --> 01:07:13.320
Matthew Neuberger: The picture this right, it would be things like that.

479
01:07:13.860 --> 01:07:15.270
Matthew Neuberger: If it's an auditory person.

480
01:07:15.720 --> 01:07:24.720
Matthew Neuberger: It would be I hear you I hear you a lot of metaphors if it's a kinesthetic it would be a lot more like you know nate.

481
01:07:26.940 --> 01:07:33.150
Matthew Neuberger: I feel like you're trying to tell me or the other day I really felt like you weren't listening right.

482
01:07:34.230 --> 01:07:40.800
Matthew Neuberger: People are using feel type words that's those are kinesthetic words nate i'm just not connecting the dots.

483
01:07:41.790 --> 01:07:49.920
Matthew Neuberger: right that that you're looking for those verbal cues, but you can also tell a visual somebody usually talks very fast very quick.

484
01:07:50.580 --> 01:08:02.280
Matthew Neuberger: sort of conscious stream of thought, but he asked him to repeat what they said, and they can't, and the reason for that is is they're trying to catch up with a picture, they have in their mind trying to get it all out as quick as they can.

485
01:08:03.300 --> 01:08:11.130
Matthew Neuberger: auditory when they say something they're very precise with their words auditory is when they say something they've already run it through the filter.

486
01:08:11.460 --> 01:08:22.080
Matthew Neuberger: To make sure it's properly edited it's got the right sentence structure, it makes sense auditory speak with purpose right and then lastly kinesthetic.

487
01:08:23.010 --> 01:08:31.230
Matthew Neuberger: They tend to be you know deeper size, they tend to just feel a little bit more relaxed you don't feel the intensity to the situation that we find with a visual.

488
01:08:32.070 --> 01:08:41.610
Matthew Neuberger: The problem is visuals and kinesthetic drive each other crazy visuals like what are we waiting for, why are you spending so much time deep breathing why can't we just talk really quick and get on.

489
01:08:42.900 --> 01:08:57.780
Matthew Neuberger: So if you want to influence people you really have to match that primary sense if you want them to be able to hear you see, we tend to gravitate and listen more when it's packaged in a way again that we're comfortable so sounds simple, but if you can figure out.

490
01:08:59.100 --> 01:09:09.090
Matthew Neuberger: You know, and you can also look, you know visuals tend to dress really nice, you know kinesthetic tend to wear birkenstocks now not always right, but does that help you with an image.

491
01:09:10.350 --> 01:09:19.050
Nathan Hurd: So what what let's say you start picking up on these cues we're going to conversation could be with anyone and you start to pick up on faster or slower.

492
01:09:20.550 --> 01:09:23.910
Nathan Hurd: Some of the some of the suggestions that you just made about the language they're using.

493
01:09:24.420 --> 01:09:32.970
Nathan Hurd: What am I doing to relate to that style if I perceive it what's the kind of the simplest thing I can do.

494
01:09:33.420 --> 01:09:41.700
Nathan Hurd: To try to form a connection, particularly if, as you said, some people are kind of on different wavelengths and if there's not an effort made there.

495
01:09:42.540 --> 01:09:50.760
Nathan Hurd: on your part to connect if you happen to be, you know different kind of learner than the other person, then there may be a disconnect What do you do what's the simplest way to connect.

496
01:09:51.510 --> 01:09:54.240
Matthew Neuberger: ever been a social situation and somebody yawns in New York.

497
01:09:55.470 --> 01:09:55.890
Nathan Hurd: Yes.

498
01:09:56.250 --> 01:09:56.580
Nathan Hurd: Okay.

499
01:09:56.670 --> 01:09:58.230
Matthew Neuberger: All so humans are.

500
01:09:58.290 --> 01:09:59.520
Matthew Neuberger: Pre installed.

501
01:09:59.580 --> 01:10:02.910
Matthew Neuberger: With mirror neurons meaning, we tend to copy our environment.

502
01:10:03.510 --> 01:10:08.790
Matthew Neuberger: So the point of, that is, you should match it mirror, but not exactly.

503
01:10:09.510 --> 01:10:16.320
Matthew Neuberger: Right this person on a subconscious level your part of your brain is fight or flight all the time right is there danger here it's the way we're built.

504
01:10:16.830 --> 01:10:32.460
Matthew Neuberger: So they tend to feel more relaxed when you're working at the same pace look and sound a little bit more like them now they're open to sharing more and to be influenced, because after all they're just people like themselves so matching and Mary.

505
01:10:32.940 --> 01:10:34.320
Matthew Neuberger: parenting and paraphrasing.

506
01:10:34.350 --> 01:10:42.120
Matthew Neuberger: Terms you're hearing summarizing right So if you give me a long sentence of something that's very important to you, I can say, Nick.

507
01:10:43.140 --> 01:10:45.000
Matthew Neuberger: Let me paraphrase and see if I got this right.

508
01:10:47.520 --> 01:10:55.980
Matthew Neuberger: And then they're going to go yes nate you nailed it or not, that's not what i'm saying here's what i'm saying and every time they provide that clarification you didn't fail.

509
01:10:56.820 --> 01:11:03.810
Matthew Neuberger: You got additional belief that you understand them better than anyone else I can't influence somebody that doesn't think I understand that they'll say.

510
01:11:04.200 --> 01:11:13.170
Matthew Neuberger: You could have the best recommendation in the world for somebody but if they don't think you really know them they'll invalidate your recommendation, even if it's right.

511
01:11:13.890 --> 01:11:19.680
Matthew Neuberger: I mean heck how many times did your parents give you information, you should have followed years later, but you did right.

512
01:11:20.280 --> 01:11:22.290
Matthew Neuberger: Because my parents are just trying to control me.

513
01:11:24.600 --> 01:11:33.180
Nathan Hurd: Right so so it sounds like if if i'm if I am matching and mirroring someone and.

514
01:11:33.540 --> 01:11:43.740
Nathan Hurd: Building that kind of rapport what I love about what I bet you that the fair amount of people who are listening to this have heard this concept, perhaps, but maybe haven't heard the really the underlying reasoning, for it.

515
01:11:44.130 --> 01:11:52.710
Nathan Hurd: That you just described, which is that people fundamentally learn in different ways, and so matching and mirroring, even though it might feel a little strange.

516
01:11:53.400 --> 01:12:02.190
Nathan Hurd: If you talk fast and someone talk slow what you're saying is this goes directly at the heart of how the other individual processes information.

517
01:12:02.730 --> 01:12:12.660
Nathan Hurd: Is that right and you're actually acknowledging and responding to helping them to take in whatever it is you're trying to share in a way that makes more sense to them is that.

518
01:12:13.080 --> 01:12:16.950
Matthew Neuberger: Right influence is a cause and effect right I influence somebody and I get.

519
01:12:16.980 --> 01:12:20.610
Matthew Neuberger: A response, I want, I have to meet them in their world.

520
01:12:21.150 --> 01:12:26.370
Matthew Neuberger: 100% they will not follow me until they believe that i'm in their world.

521
01:12:27.870 --> 01:12:36.540
Matthew Neuberger: I could go up and offer somebody a million dollars speaking French, but if the person doesn't speak French they don't know what i'm doing and they're going to run away from.

522
01:12:38.820 --> 01:12:47.160
Matthew Neuberger: But i'm offering a million dollars it's that simple but nate Let me give you an example of this, how many emails to most people get a day.

523
01:12:49.830 --> 01:12:53.730
Nathan Hurd: I don't know I don't even want to say my number it's it's it's it's embarrassingly high.

524
01:12:54.360 --> 01:12:54.930
Matthew Neuberger: So.

525
01:12:54.990 --> 01:12:57.660
Nathan Hurd: You probably spot dozens hundreds.

526
01:12:58.440 --> 01:13:03.030
Matthew Neuberger: How much time of day, are you spending sitting there going to delete delete delete delete delete delete delete.

527
01:13:03.720 --> 01:13:04.260
Nathan Hurd: Too much.

528
01:13:04.830 --> 01:13:11.160
Matthew Neuberger: Okay, and that's most people to right So if I want to meet them in their role should I send them a long email for something I want.

529
01:13:12.270 --> 01:13:17.970
Nathan Hurd: Right just become one of so many and it's just a very noisy way to try to communicate now.

530
01:13:18.300 --> 01:13:25.800
Matthew Neuberger: The brain is going in a microsecond do I know this person, and this is something I have to respond to you know click buy now.

531
01:13:26.970 --> 01:13:30.450
Matthew Neuberger: If I want to influence that person, I have to meet them in their world.

532
01:13:31.470 --> 01:13:41.460
Matthew Neuberger: So we've been very successful taking that idea of influence and meeting people in their world by if you want a response to somebody shorten up your email.

533
01:13:43.020 --> 01:13:47.880
Matthew Neuberger: Okay, just a great example so let's take an extreme situation you want to sell somebody something.

534
01:13:49.020 --> 01:13:50.220
Matthew Neuberger: But they're hiding from you.

535
01:13:52.020 --> 01:14:11.070
Matthew Neuberger: If you were to send an email with the subject line curious and the email says, are you still interested in and finish that sentence, however, you want to, are you still interested in doubling your returns, are you still interested in buying that car I don't care what it is.

536
01:14:12.840 --> 01:14:17.280
Matthew Neuberger: you're going to get a response, more often than not.

537
01:14:19.170 --> 01:14:22.110
Matthew Neuberger: Let me say it differently you're going to get a 60% response rate.

538
01:14:23.640 --> 01:14:29.250
Matthew Neuberger: Why are you getting a response, but it blows people live in it when when i'm with people and they say this person is hiding from.

539
01:14:29.910 --> 01:14:38.460
Matthew Neuberger: them if they're not hiding you're offending them with long emails stop it send an email right now, or text them, are you still interested in.

540
01:14:39.030 --> 01:14:47.670
Matthew Neuberger: And if they don't respond they're not that's your answer go away, but what they always do is literally in the middle of the conversation they they just responded.

541
01:14:49.620 --> 01:15:00.150
Matthew Neuberger: I have to meet people that will understand why is this person not responding, is it possible, because their email inbox is full their phone is ringing they get multiple texts and advertiser figure out different ways, again, and now.

542
01:15:00.750 --> 01:15:12.150
Matthew Neuberger: I gotta keep it short and to the point I got to enter their will they're just saying, if I did your your clients, and this is what you don't know how to say it, but the thinking if people could just get to the point, faster.

543
01:15:12.570 --> 01:15:21.480
Matthew Neuberger: so that I could make a quick response that doesn't require a lot of thinking, I can handle that right now and that's about what people can handle online right.

544
01:15:22.140 --> 01:15:34.560
Matthew Neuberger: So again, if you want to influence, you have to ask yourself how do I meet them in their role, what are their problems where their challenges, what are they dealing with and how do I communicate more effectively, based on the problems and challenges, I know that they're dealing.

545
01:15:35.970 --> 01:15:37.260
Nathan Hurd: Alright, so that this is.

546
01:15:38.490 --> 01:15:48.330
Nathan Hurd: Oh man, this is something that I can just think of so many circumstances where this comes up where but, but I want to get to this point that you're making, which is, which is that.

547
01:15:48.930 --> 01:15:57.870
Nathan Hurd: I hope for everyone listening, you can see that you might be thinking like wow, this is a lot to think about when it comes to like how i'm approaching a conversation, but the reality is.

548
01:15:58.320 --> 01:16:13.950
Nathan Hurd: I think what you're emphasizing here is you really get super interested in how the other person thinks behaves X and the more you can do that, the more you can get into their world, which is the only way that you're going to influence, but one of the things I know you.

549
01:16:15.030 --> 01:16:26.880
Nathan Hurd: Teach one of the principles is you know there's getting all this information gathering this information doesn't come from blabbing on about how great you are.

550
01:16:27.660 --> 01:16:35.520
Nathan Hurd: And I know this happens to me in social situations where you know you might be in a conversation with someone that they just.

551
01:16:36.390 --> 01:16:47.700
Nathan Hurd: are not even acknowledging your boredom in how they're just talking for all you know long periods of time about themselves in their problems and their stories and.

552
01:16:48.780 --> 01:16:55.980
Nathan Hurd: Can you talk a little bit about the importance of asking questions the concept of reversing.

553
01:16:57.420 --> 01:17:01.380
Nathan Hurd: And how that plays an important role in influence and persuasion.

554
01:17:02.190 --> 01:17:11.220
Matthew Neuberger: Well, you know I think you know you gotta give credit for this is a, this is a very ancient principle right Socrates, the Socratic questioning method and all of that.

555
01:17:12.210 --> 01:17:17.190
Matthew Neuberger: to your point I think a lot of people want to be heard more than they want to hear and it's just our nature to.

556
01:17:17.910 --> 01:17:24.600
Matthew Neuberger: Think about the response it's not it's not the people i'm not saying, give them a bad everyone just wants to have their own agenda.

557
01:17:25.170 --> 01:17:39.990
Matthew Neuberger: it's more of how we were conditioned to growing up, but the idea of reversing starts with a simple concept and the simple concept is this many times when people ask you a question or make a statement there's a reason.

558
01:17:41.820 --> 01:17:44.190
Matthew Neuberger: So if somebody would ask you what time it was.

559
01:17:45.000 --> 01:17:48.360
Matthew Neuberger: You don't really have to reverse that and say something like what time would you like it to be.

560
01:17:48.480 --> 01:17:49.500
Matthew Neuberger: You don't have to do that.

561
01:17:50.550 --> 01:17:52.860
Matthew Neuberger: But if somebody were to say nate.

562
01:17:53.880 --> 01:17:56.340
Matthew Neuberger: Are you taking any vacations this spring break.

563
01:17:57.660 --> 01:17:58.710
Matthew Neuberger: Why are they asking.

564
01:18:01.890 --> 01:18:08.160
Nathan Hurd: You yeah there well I think that's that's part of why you would want to know right you're not really sure.

565
01:18:09.480 --> 01:18:16.230
Matthew Neuberger: Right usually, when somebody asks you just pay attention it's Elizabeth tension when somebody asks you if you're taking any vacations.

566
01:18:16.680 --> 01:18:31.950
Matthew Neuberger: They have got loaded and ready to go to tell you all about this cool vacation that they have coming up, they just don't want to seem selfish by start they don't go nate you know what i'm about to take a great vacation yet 510 minutes talk about that as.

567
01:18:32.190 --> 01:18:35.070
Nathan Hurd: I say they're they're projecting they're projecting what's.

568
01:18:35.070 --> 01:18:37.440
Nathan Hurd: up with a pyramid what they're what they're excited about.

569
01:18:37.470 --> 01:18:38.490
Matthew Neuberger: yeah right so.

570
01:18:38.550 --> 01:18:40.800
Matthew Neuberger: If I was using reversing you brought to me.

571
01:18:41.190 --> 01:18:43.500
Matthew Neuberger: hey matt you taking vacations and say geez Neda.

572
01:18:45.060 --> 01:19:02.100
Matthew Neuberger: You know I I don't think i'm taking a spring great vacation what are you doing that's a reverse and the reverse is based on the premise that there's a reason I don't understand yet of why you're asking me the question so i'm answering your question with a question.

573
01:19:03.840 --> 01:19:05.490
Matthew Neuberger: Right and.

574
01:19:06.630 --> 01:19:12.930
Matthew Neuberger: I don't know why you said you know when somebody says when you hear a friend or colleague say I am so frustrated with so and so.

575
01:19:14.250 --> 01:19:18.750
Matthew Neuberger: Our tendencies go Oh, I know I know that person I know exactly what you're talking about.

576
01:19:20.070 --> 01:19:22.560
Matthew Neuberger: It says say tell me more.

577
01:19:26.310 --> 01:19:26.550
Matthew Neuberger: Like.

578
01:19:26.580 --> 01:19:33.900
Nathan Hurd: gotcha so so so so just the simple act of responding to a statement or a question with another question.

579
01:19:34.440 --> 01:19:34.800
Right.

580
01:19:36.060 --> 01:19:55.800
Nathan Hurd: Is is somewhat counterintuitive but you're you would suggest that this is what is opening them up to share what's what really is, you know driving their comments or statements and helping you to as the person trying to influence the situation learn is that.

581
01:19:56.400 --> 01:20:04.140
Matthew Neuberger: The more you know, the more you can help right and root causes typically five or six questions beyond what they shared with you that they're frustrated with somebody.

582
01:20:06.270 --> 01:20:18.180
Matthew Neuberger: And sometimes they don't want a solution, depending if you're in a personal situation and i'm talking to my wife and she says i'm so frustrated she does not want me to fix that problem for her in certain circumstances.

583
01:20:18.750 --> 01:20:24.960
Matthew Neuberger: She wants me to know that she's frustrated and she wants to be able to verbally process that.

584
01:20:25.470 --> 01:20:38.580
Matthew Neuberger: So you know you also have to know when to solve, but in a business context, you have to get to the root cause, you have to provide insight that is what influences people if you say well.

585
01:20:39.480 --> 01:20:54.660
Matthew Neuberger: i've heard that problem before, let me tell you how I solve it, you haven't allowed that person to believe you fully understand, maybe they have to realize something they've been doing wrong that would only be realized through a set of questions right.

586
01:20:55.500 --> 01:20:55.800
Nathan Hurd: got it.

587
01:20:56.370 --> 01:20:57.390
Nathan Hurd: And finally, this goes.

588
01:20:58.020 --> 01:20:58.800
Nathan Hurd: God go ahead, I.

589
01:21:00.660 --> 01:21:05.190
Matthew Neuberger: Was gonna say you know, again I can't tell how many people i've met, they say, I really want to lose weight and i've tried everything.

590
01:21:07.500 --> 01:21:11.130
Matthew Neuberger: Right, by the time I asked five or six questions that I realized they really haven't tried it.

591
01:21:12.960 --> 01:21:17.250
Matthew Neuberger: And they're eating sugar and they're exercising like crazy and they can't figure out why they keep anyway.

592
01:21:17.940 --> 01:21:33.540
Matthew Neuberger: But they realize that sugar made them that, even though they're eating, you know eating, you know it's one sugar bar a day right there through questioning you got to figure out at some point you're doing something you're not aware of it's causing this problem let's work on that.

593
01:21:34.680 --> 01:21:35.370
Matthew Neuberger: and sales people.

594
01:21:35.430 --> 01:21:40.560
Matthew Neuberger: Are all problems, all the time, so they don't want to listen so sometimes we become sales people, even if that's not our job.

595
01:21:41.250 --> 01:21:47.040
Matthew Neuberger: We tend to try to convince people of our position rather than listening and finding a root cause and helping them realize the root cause.

596
01:21:48.990 --> 01:21:52.650
Nathan Hurd: And why is it, why is this process.

597
01:21:54.060 --> 01:22:02.490
Nathan Hurd: so important, because the truth is like, if I think of like classic you know pitchman or you know people who are.

598
01:22:04.290 --> 01:22:10.590
Nathan Hurd: Very much trying to sort of influence, others in a one in a one sided way where they're just kind of.

599
01:22:11.400 --> 01:22:27.540
Nathan Hurd: You know, like look at think about commercials and stuff where they're just kind of pitching a product or pitching themselves or whatever, why is it so much more effective to use questions to gather information what's the what's the risk if you're not if you're not gaining enough information.

600
01:22:28.620 --> 01:22:34.320
Nathan Hurd: In your ability to influence a situation support a friend influence a business conversation.

601
01:22:35.190 --> 01:22:49.020
Matthew Neuberger: yeah well, I think, first of all, you just you never know what the right thing to say, is you're throwing a lot at people and you've got to understand or this law of physics that we've talked about before which is for every action you ask somebody to buy something or buy into something.

602
01:22:50.040 --> 01:22:55.980
Matthew Neuberger: The equal but opposite reaction is enough or an excuse or an objection right.

603
01:22:57.030 --> 01:23:11.370
Matthew Neuberger: So what we first have to realize, is that you know you just you're not well informed enough, aside from the fact that it may not not look like you actually care about the person you're talking to but there's a fundamental rule and all of this it's really important.

604
01:23:13.350 --> 01:23:31.980
Matthew Neuberger: People don't argue with what they say, in other words, if I tell you something to be fact I will then normally argue that fact, in the next five minutes with you the opposite way that normally could happen, maybe 2% of conversations 98% of conversations if people say the sky is blue.

605
01:23:33.150 --> 01:23:36.720
Matthew Neuberger: And you come back and say, would you agree the sky is blue.

606
01:23:37.860 --> 01:23:45.270
Matthew Neuberger: They will say yes, I just sent that so people never argue with their own data, so if you tell somebody they need.

607
01:23:46.470 --> 01:23:51.630
Matthew Neuberger: Whatever it is you're selling but they didn't tell you they need it, you can't influence them.

608
01:23:52.980 --> 01:23:59.430
Matthew Neuberger: influence comes from having them provide the data that they will then not argue.

609
01:24:01.110 --> 01:24:05.340
Matthew Neuberger: You keep throwing data Adam and you think well, I made a good point that came up with an objection that came up with another good point.

610
01:24:05.730 --> 01:24:13.440
Matthew Neuberger: they're going to keep coming up with objections because none of it is their words none of it is their beliefs determine their philosophies none of it is they're paying.

611
01:24:14.340 --> 01:24:23.310
Matthew Neuberger: notice stuff they care about you may incidentally land on something that's important to them, but your odds are way less than actually seeing lots and lots of people.

612
01:24:23.820 --> 01:24:31.950
Matthew Neuberger: Unless those people have told you what's important to them, so people never argue with their own data put it on a bumper sticker that is it.

613
01:24:32.580 --> 01:24:37.980
Matthew Neuberger: If you want to influence people get them to say what's important what truth is.

614
01:24:39.450 --> 01:24:39.810
Matthew Neuberger: Yes.

615
01:24:39.960 --> 01:24:56.070
Nathan Hurd: So true, I mean yeah it's so true and I love, how you said buy and buy into anything right like that any in any conversation, so all right, let me try to kind of wrap summarize this because I want to move into another area here in just a minute, if we can.

616
01:24:56.460 --> 01:24:58.440
Nathan Hurd: So what I what i'm hearing is.

617
01:24:58.830 --> 01:25:09.900
Nathan Hurd: That, if you really want to influence people, and I think we've covered and we agree that influence comes up in virtually every interaction, we have whether it's with our friends, our family our kids in business constantly.

618
01:25:11.730 --> 01:25:12.360
Nathan Hurd: All of that.

619
01:25:13.440 --> 01:25:18.540
Nathan Hurd: If you're trying to influence you know the generations that are coming after you if you're mentoring someone all of it.

620
01:25:19.470 --> 01:25:31.080
Nathan Hurd: First, it comes down to taking a deep and sincere interest in the and how that person learns well I guess first showing up and being present in the conversation we talked about.

621
01:25:31.560 --> 01:25:37.170
Nathan Hurd: Then, taking a sincere and deep interest in how that person communicates and how, more specifically, how they learn.

622
01:25:37.770 --> 01:25:49.860
Nathan Hurd: There are audio visual auditory and kinesthetic learning styles and those can be identified through some of the comments they make, but then once getting it once you get into conversation.

623
01:25:51.210 --> 01:25:51.720
Nathan Hurd: it's.

624
01:25:52.980 --> 01:26:04.440
Nathan Hurd: it's very hard to influence someone if you don't really truly understand how they feel what matters to them and what their what their kind of worldview and perspective is and you get there.

625
01:26:04.920 --> 01:26:13.950
Nathan Hurd: By asking questions and you said specifically trying to understand the pain, the pain in their lives, the pain in their business.

626
01:26:14.400 --> 01:26:26.820
Nathan Hurd: The pain in there in the way that they're they're feeling or in perceiving if we if we do those things and we're curious, and we continue to ask questions and we feel like we are.

627
01:26:27.420 --> 01:26:40.470
Nathan Hurd: have gained information or gained a good understanding how do you suggest actually trying to influence someone because i'm thinking about something you said earlier, which is unsolicited advice and.

628
01:26:41.490 --> 01:26:45.540
Nathan Hurd: You know if you can get to a point where you have a connection with someone, how do you recommend.

629
01:26:46.800 --> 01:26:50.580
Nathan Hurd: It you know actually providing some some suggestion or recommendation.

630
01:26:51.120 --> 01:26:53.400
Matthew Neuberger: Well, it depends on the context, a little bit you're right.

631
01:26:53.400 --> 01:27:00.750
Matthew Neuberger: So if you're if you're with a friend, as opposed to wanting to influence your spouse, as opposed to an influencer kids.

632
01:27:01.380 --> 01:27:09.420
Matthew Neuberger: To influencing your boss to influence salesperson you, you gave a nice summary of some things you have to do it starts with you have to care.

633
01:27:11.070 --> 01:27:20.160
Matthew Neuberger: People can tell when you're being inauthentic if you don't I call it, you can edit this out, I call it the give a shit factor you don't give a shit people can tell.

634
01:27:22.050 --> 01:27:39.930
Matthew Neuberger: Stop what you're doing do something else right, if you want to influence somebody you have to be honest with yourself that you give a shit about this person and, what is important to them and to hearing them right it starts there a genuine genuinely want to understand.

635
01:27:41.310 --> 01:27:44.100
Matthew Neuberger: i'm willing to spend my lifetime commitment to that.

636
01:27:46.260 --> 01:27:48.090
Matthew Neuberger: If you're coming in, I want I want I want.

637
01:27:49.470 --> 01:27:51.150
Matthew Neuberger: All the tools we just talked about what work.

638
01:27:52.680 --> 01:27:57.480
Matthew Neuberger: If you think you're tricking people, nobody likes being tracked and eventually they think you're in the trick out.

639
01:27:58.800 --> 01:28:01.440
Matthew Neuberger: There like Why do I always feel so icky after I talked to john.

640
01:28:02.790 --> 01:28:06.630
Matthew Neuberger: It always makes sense when I talked to john about later I feel really bad about myself.

641
01:28:07.260 --> 01:28:08.310
Matthew Neuberger: yeah right.

642
01:28:08.340 --> 01:28:12.870
Nathan Hurd: yeah there's no doubt about it, I mean you can tell when people are.

643
01:28:13.950 --> 01:28:27.180
Nathan Hurd: more motivated by their own interests, you know and and they and there's not a level of authenticity there where there's a really a desire to be supportive or helpful, I mean you can feel it I definitely know to me.

644
01:28:27.720 --> 01:28:37.890
Matthew Neuberger: yeah and also felt the opposite when you knew that person care about you right, so I think that you know you gave a nice good summary nate, but I would say that.

645
01:28:39.450 --> 01:28:51.120
Matthew Neuberger: I add a couple of things there one is is, I think you got to pick your friend group and the people that are close to you have to be people that you believe in want that that do care.

646
01:28:51.960 --> 01:28:58.170
Matthew Neuberger: Right, you have to have people that are willing to ask you hard questions and that build your strength to influence others.

647
01:28:59.190 --> 01:29:18.330
Matthew Neuberger: You have to have lots and lots of examples right i'm nothing more than all the influences that i've seen and experienced to the results in the outcomes from other people, so I have friends who will ask me questions they say I see you saying this mad, but then I watch you do this.

648
01:29:20.100 --> 01:29:21.840
Matthew Neuberger: Tell me that tell me about that.

649
01:29:23.040 --> 01:29:25.230
Matthew Neuberger: Because I think I have to call bs on.

650
01:29:27.060 --> 01:29:34.590
Matthew Neuberger: And in the moment i'm like I hate your guts but I love it so i'm like yes, that is incongruent I need to help so.

651
01:29:35.010 --> 01:29:48.600
Matthew Neuberger: They have to be people that are willing to ask the hard questions around you, and what I would say is I think so many people that want to influence you're always trying to be nice how to win friends and influence people how to be super nice influence means being disarmingly honest.

652
01:29:50.640 --> 01:29:57.270
Matthew Neuberger: It means that the precise truth asking the precise questions.

653
01:29:58.290 --> 01:30:02.160
Matthew Neuberger: That are truthful not avoiding them because they're uncomfortable.

654
01:30:03.030 --> 01:30:13.620
Matthew Neuberger: Think about it in your own world or people are watching they can ask themselves this question, but who do we trust them us is that people that are willing to ask us really hard uncomfortable questions that are willing to challenge.

655
01:30:15.840 --> 01:30:17.310
Matthew Neuberger: We trust those people, because we know that they're.

656
01:30:17.310 --> 01:30:18.150
Matthew Neuberger: not afraid.

657
01:30:18.180 --> 01:30:18.990
Matthew Neuberger: If we get angry.

658
01:30:20.430 --> 01:30:21.900
Matthew Neuberger: There after the truth to.

659
01:30:24.090 --> 01:30:25.950
Matthew Neuberger: Not after Do you still like me.

660
01:30:26.850 --> 01:30:35.370
Matthew Neuberger: yeah and I can think of every single friend I have in my life and at some point there's been very truthful uncomfortable conversations.

661
01:30:36.450 --> 01:30:36.750
Nathan Hurd: yeah.

662
01:30:37.950 --> 01:30:38.400
Matthew Neuberger: Right.

663
01:30:39.960 --> 01:30:42.210
Matthew Neuberger: And, most people was that conversation we're not friends anymore.

664
01:30:42.720 --> 01:30:49.110
Matthew Neuberger: Right well guess what if you're not friends with all the people that are willing to if you have employees that level you never stand a chance of influencing other people.

665
01:30:49.500 --> 01:30:53.760
Matthew Neuberger: Because you're constantly worried about being like and saying the right thing and doing the right thing for the moment that for the long term.

666
01:30:54.960 --> 01:31:02.550
Matthew Neuberger: So I would really summarize it that way, you have to have courage and guts five seconds, at a time not like all the time.

667
01:31:03.030 --> 01:31:15.240
Matthew Neuberger: But when something you know when you hear something that's wrong with you, with a client a boss a family member figuring out how to say it package, it in the right way and ask the right question but don't avoid the uncomfortableness.

668
01:31:16.500 --> 01:31:16.860
Nathan Hurd: hmm.

669
01:31:18.180 --> 01:31:24.360
Nathan Hurd: I like that and and surrounding yourself with people that are willing to do that for you is a great.

670
01:31:26.010 --> 01:31:30.000
Nathan Hurd: educational experience for how to do that to other people is that what you mean.

671
01:31:30.390 --> 01:31:33.030
Matthew Neuberger: yeah I mean we all have that friend in high school that you know.

672
01:31:33.060 --> 01:31:34.440
Matthew Neuberger: conditioned out but couldn't take it.

673
01:31:34.950 --> 01:31:35.280
same.

674
01:31:36.840 --> 01:31:38.430
Matthew Neuberger: You can't dish it out, if you can't take it.

675
01:31:40.920 --> 01:31:48.270
Nathan Hurd: All right, fair enough alright, so this has been this has been really helpful, so I think for the for the concept of influence, this has been a good.

676
01:31:48.960 --> 01:31:56.250
Nathan Hurd: This has been a good blueprint for how people can think about how they currently approach this and how they might you know try some new things.

677
01:31:56.940 --> 01:32:04.560
Nathan Hurd: Moving forward, let me let's let's move into one other area which i'd love to get your perspective on and that is.

678
01:32:05.250 --> 01:32:20.520
Nathan Hurd: A Vision I know you're I know you're really big on having a vision for your business and having a vision for your life, and I know that you spend time with you know whether it's executives or colleagues or clients or your family.

679
01:32:20.940 --> 01:32:23.880
Nathan Hurd: helping them to get clear on their own vision so.

680
01:32:24.240 --> 01:32:25.470
Nathan Hurd: Can you just talk about.

681
01:32:26.940 --> 01:32:30.990
Nathan Hurd: What his vision mean to you, why is it important and.

682
01:32:32.250 --> 01:32:42.900
Nathan Hurd: You know, do you would you feel like people, why do you feel like it seems like there's a pretty big opportunity for people to think more about this and you help them with that So where does that come from.

683
01:32:43.710 --> 01:32:47.280
Matthew Neuberger: Well, I think the world has a great need for people with more vision.

684
01:32:48.810 --> 01:32:56.010
Matthew Neuberger: There are so many needs out there at any point and look at the world, and you see what's going on, we need people with vision.

685
01:32:56.970 --> 01:33:04.020
Matthew Neuberger: And so I believe in that strongly I didn't start out that way, though I started out if somebody did that.

686
01:33:05.010 --> 01:33:13.740
Matthew Neuberger: Having a vision talking about what you want, out of life, talking about where you want to be and what you want to accomplish would invite ridicule and criticism embarrassment and pain.

687
01:33:14.340 --> 01:33:29.580
Matthew Neuberger: that's really what I have created having goals, who I was a six year old women right think of milhouse from the Simpsons right that was me when it came to talking about goals that's where I started that all changed for me many, many years ago.

688
01:33:30.720 --> 01:33:42.780
Matthew Neuberger: When there was a very famous golfer at the time, who was trying to be technical this record and he he would cut out a picture of that record and it was only mirrors bathroom and he looked at it every day.

689
01:33:43.920 --> 01:33:44.910
Matthew Neuberger: And that was his vision.

690
01:33:45.990 --> 01:33:51.930
Matthew Neuberger: And I thought well you know, I was kind of thought that was stupid like cutting pictures out and things like that, and really.

691
01:33:52.260 --> 01:33:57.660
Matthew Neuberger: Telling the world, you have this vision, but you have an accomplished yet, and you may not even be able to show how you were to accomplish it.

692
01:33:58.080 --> 01:34:08.040
Matthew Neuberger: And to most people they probably laugh at you, because who knows you're just not good enough right, it would just bring more pain, but when I saw that he did that he was so far away from that call.

693
01:34:09.570 --> 01:34:18.390
Matthew Neuberger: That gave me the courage to do so that was that change, so I had to find somebody to emulate to prove for me that that would happen right it's sort of like Roger bannister Roger bannister in that.

694
01:34:18.690 --> 01:34:24.600
Matthew Neuberger: Four minute mile was like nobody broke it ever until he did not send a bunch of people right he showed that was possible.

695
01:34:24.870 --> 01:34:25.710
Matthew Neuberger: Once we believe anything's.

696
01:34:25.800 --> 01:34:38.340
Matthew Neuberger: Possible we did so I needed to surround myself with evidence that it was possible once I believe that the evidence was was was impressive enough, I was good to go now, I have the luxury today nate add you know add add.

697
01:34:39.750 --> 01:34:45.870
Matthew Neuberger: On to I guess it would be to two and a half decades of setting goals.

698
01:34:47.370 --> 01:34:53.430
Matthew Neuberger: I now have a preponderance of evidence, I mean i'm i'm looking at my office i'm looking over to the to the left and.

699
01:34:53.820 --> 01:34:58.440
Matthew Neuberger: I can see all of our vision boards from years I could literally pull them out and say this is what we want.

700
01:34:58.830 --> 01:35:12.600
Matthew Neuberger: you've been in my house you've been in my pool, I have a vision board we cut out years prior and and and we were sitting on the west coast, looking at the Pacific Ocean my wife and I and my kids and we said let's get a pool in our backyard.

701
01:35:14.280 --> 01:35:15.300
Matthew Neuberger: I had no money to do it.

702
01:35:16.410 --> 01:35:18.570
Matthew Neuberger: let's be clear, no money to do it.

703
01:35:19.980 --> 01:35:24.750
Matthew Neuberger: But we said let's cut the picture out and let's put on the poster board.

704
01:35:25.290 --> 01:35:36.330
Matthew Neuberger: And we'll see what happens and I can't explain, other than like you put it, if you have the courage to do that it materializes and so that's one piece of evidence, but what was interesting was.

705
01:35:37.290 --> 01:35:42.660
Matthew Neuberger: I think that was like three or four or five years prior to us actually putting the pool in our backyard.

706
01:35:43.080 --> 01:35:55.800
Matthew Neuberger: So you think wow i've got to have all these goals, and I have to measure check things off and save money and have this whole intricate plan, all I did was I cut out a picture of the pool glue stick and a poster board and wrote pool.

707
01:35:57.390 --> 01:36:01.530
Matthew Neuberger: put on the poster board well you've been to my house you've seen, obviously.

708
01:36:01.590 --> 01:36:06.570
Nathan Hurd: it's an IT yeah the different them for anyone that is listening here, this is not just a.

709
01:36:07.560 --> 01:36:16.020
Nathan Hurd: Little above ground pool, this is a beautiful pool with lots of stonework and a water slide and all kinds of stuff it's amazing.

710
01:36:16.260 --> 01:36:21.000
Matthew Neuberger: it's crazy we love it when people say that a freak out there, mostly their kids freak out right because you like.

711
01:36:21.570 --> 01:36:31.320
Matthew Neuberger: You know it's just looks like a fun place to hang out for the day and that's what we wanted, and we wanted that because we wanted to environment for our family where we could connect with friends and family and.

712
01:36:32.250 --> 01:36:42.420
Matthew Neuberger: Years went by and we put the pool in, and we were we had to go through something where we were going to all of our vision for it and I found the vision board.

713
01:36:43.470 --> 01:36:44.730
Matthew Neuberger: Where we had the picture of the pool.

714
01:36:45.960 --> 01:36:55.350
Matthew Neuberger: If I showed that to you and the actual pool we have I kid you not I did not look at that vision board when we were designing the pool it came out almost identical to the picture on the poster.

715
01:36:57.030 --> 01:37:02.610
Matthew Neuberger: And to me now it's I can't explain it other than to say that if you can't.

716
01:37:03.720 --> 01:37:08.250
Matthew Neuberger: describe what you want, in your future to a degree of a picture.

717
01:37:09.480 --> 01:37:09.840
Matthew Neuberger: That.

718
01:37:12.000 --> 01:37:21.270
Matthew Neuberger: Then you're missing out on life and i've just got decades of experience and knowing that having a vision is rewarding in the act.

719
01:37:22.560 --> 01:37:35.580
Matthew Neuberger: Thinking about what the possibilities for your life can be in any area yeah you know a thing extrinsic are intrinsic a feeling you want to have but getting clear on that and so many people today are just not clear.

720
01:37:37.020 --> 01:37:43.770
Matthew Neuberger: And that's why I think the world needs more visionaries I don't care if if you want to pull if you get a full you're you're providing jobs for people.

721
01:37:44.340 --> 01:38:01.170
Matthew Neuberger: If you want world peace, then you're saving lives you determine your goals, not what society wants, but what you want, but by doing that you're making the world a better place going for your goals is good is not selfish.

722
01:38:02.730 --> 01:38:09.690
Matthew Neuberger: Everything you do to make yourself happy ultimately benefits other people that their vision is to make you happy.

723
01:38:11.010 --> 01:38:17.370
Matthew Neuberger: So that my experience has now been proven, but again it's that way for those of you listening.

724
01:38:18.870 --> 01:38:26.700
Nathan Hurd: So for anyone who's listening who's like skeptical of goal setting like they've heard I you know i've heard all this i've heard goal setting it's cliche.

725
01:38:27.270 --> 01:38:34.830
Nathan Hurd: What you know what's been your experience with clients, you know some of the executives that you've coached or businesses you've coached.

726
01:38:35.280 --> 01:38:46.290
Nathan Hurd: Or you know friends or whoever, where there's a lack of like what happens when people are not clear about what they're after and do you do you see this fairly often.

727
01:38:47.250 --> 01:38:48.510
Matthew Neuberger: And yeah.

728
01:38:48.780 --> 01:38:50.100
Nathan Hurd: What effect does it have sorry fine.

729
01:38:50.880 --> 01:38:55.530
Matthew Neuberger: Well, I mean they tend not to make their environment, better, they tend to feel almost like they're taking constantly.

730
01:38:57.960 --> 01:39:02.400
Matthew Neuberger: You know I see other things like depression, I see other things like little productivity.

731
01:39:03.630 --> 01:39:04.170
Matthew Neuberger: Just.

732
01:39:05.610 --> 01:39:09.090
Matthew Neuberger: not using the gift, you have of time.

733
01:39:10.530 --> 01:39:22.590
Matthew Neuberger: And not being aware of where you are in time may you know you get so much time date okay everybody is aware of that, but I think a lot of people think they have more than they have.

734
01:39:23.520 --> 01:39:30.690
Matthew Neuberger: Right and they think someday i'll get to that and that mentality you're going to tend to experience a lot of pain so businesses.

735
01:39:31.230 --> 01:39:38.100
Matthew Neuberger: That you've seen this process we have something called the same page, which is for a business to achieve its goals a business must stay efficient.

736
01:39:39.000 --> 01:39:54.600
Matthew Neuberger: For every employee that's part of that company, the employment state their vision and then compare the two and see if they ally, is the direction this vehicle use the use the company as a metaphor use a boss, the company is a boss, and the company is going to.

737
01:39:55.920 --> 01:40:08.550
Matthew Neuberger: Los Angeles right we're going to go to a sunny beach in Los Angeles we're going to hang out there we're gonna play volleyball we're going to we're going to eat really healthy we're going to go on runs we're going to do all this stuff.

738
01:40:10.710 --> 01:40:19.230
Matthew Neuberger: That has to align with my personal goals to get on that bus, but if what I want is to go skiing in I don't know Canada.

739
01:40:19.830 --> 01:40:29.430
Matthew Neuberger: And I want to drink beer and I don't want to exercise then i'm on the wrong boss and i'm going to make everybody else on that bus to California miserable.

740
01:40:29.940 --> 01:40:35.880
Matthew Neuberger: Because i'd be talking about this is terrible, why are we going to Canada, Canada is so much better right.

741
01:40:36.450 --> 01:40:49.920
Matthew Neuberger: and employees do this like you've experienced this at certain times but it's not that they're bad he feels bad, but if you're not clear on your goals you're not contributing to your environment, you may even be in the wrong environment.

742
01:40:51.300 --> 01:41:04.590
Matthew Neuberger: And that's really the problem with not having clear goals so goals in life, need to be about you know everything you know your relationships your money all those things that can't be ignored.

743
01:41:05.730 --> 01:41:17.580
Matthew Neuberger: But then you have to look at how close, am I aligned with my environment, but I think the reason that most people don't set goals nate is because they already know they're on the wrong bus and it's too painful to get off.

744
01:41:19.290 --> 01:41:19.830
Nathan Hurd: interesting.

745
01:41:21.780 --> 01:41:23.610
Nathan Hurd: interesting and so, if.

746
01:41:24.810 --> 01:41:36.090
Nathan Hurd: You are you Are you suggesting that if someone's feeling like uninspired to set goals that they might want to look at the circumstances and ask themselves why they are feeling uninspired.

747
01:41:37.050 --> 01:41:37.500
yeah.

748
01:41:40.050 --> 01:41:46.980
Matthew Neuberger: What makes me happy when I am the happiest of life and time disappears, the concept of time disappears what am I doing.

749
01:41:48.000 --> 01:42:06.960
Matthew Neuberger: Like it's crazy sounds when i'm in front of a group of people helping time disappears it disappears, I can do it forever i've got infinite amount of energy i've got infinite amount of info influence I care deeply about the people that i'm talking to and working with.

750
01:42:08.130 --> 01:42:10.080
Matthew Neuberger: money disappears time disappears.

751
01:42:11.850 --> 01:42:19.890
Matthew Neuberger: i'm in the moment where people you know, the thing that people were in my life, am I completely in the moment and that's your calling.

752
01:42:20.490 --> 01:42:32.820
Matthew Neuberger: That doesn't mean you don't do other things too, but you have to give your calling it's do or you're you're you're you're going to continue to be uninspired by yourself, for giving in, and not being who you're supposed to be.

753
01:42:34.200 --> 01:42:34.740
Matthew Neuberger: Now look.

754
01:42:35.160 --> 01:42:47.040
Matthew Neuberger: So people change over time so as a quick example of this, I have a friend who got married had kids had a job and was completely uninspired.

755
01:42:47.520 --> 01:42:50.010
Matthew Neuberger: unhealthy doing all the wrong things.

756
01:42:50.550 --> 01:42:53.610
Matthew Neuberger: decided, one day, they were going to leave their wife or another woman.

757
01:42:54.720 --> 01:43:05.880
Matthew Neuberger: Society kind of frowns on that you left your wife and your family for another woman, you must be one heck of a turd right that he was on the wrong bus.

758
01:43:06.930 --> 01:43:10.350
Matthew Neuberger: Now people make a choice at that point stay on the bus because that's what's accepted.

759
01:43:11.070 --> 01:43:21.030
Matthew Neuberger: or get off that bus and that same person today isn't a happy marriage the kids are happy and you know there's no friction between the families his ex wife has remarried.

760
01:43:21.450 --> 01:43:29.250
Matthew Neuberger: And he is now on a career, that is fulfilling and time has disappeared he's making more money than he's ever made before.

761
01:43:31.140 --> 01:43:38.940
Matthew Neuberger: But he had to do something that everybody disagreed with when you got on the wrong bus it's very hard to get off that make sense.

762
01:43:39.780 --> 01:43:41.520
Nathan Hurd: It does it does.

763
01:43:42.810 --> 01:43:50.340
Nathan Hurd: Well, listen speaking of time flying, this is a I want to be mindful of yours, and I just want to ask a few more questions before we close if that's okay.

764
01:43:52.320 --> 01:43:53.700
Nathan Hurd: So what.

765
01:43:56.070 --> 01:44:07.470
Nathan Hurd: You know we've been now when we're filming this the coven started like two plus years ago and for two plus years people in been in a very different set of circumstances.

766
01:44:07.950 --> 01:44:23.520
Nathan Hurd: And their desire to be aspirational I feel at least fitting the people that are close to me it feels like it's just harder, it seems harder for people to get excited about aspiring because there's like this.

767
01:44:24.600 --> 01:44:29.460
Nathan Hurd: sort of learned helplessness or just the screen out people sense of just i'm tired I just you know my.

768
01:44:29.910 --> 01:44:32.820
Matthew Neuberger: Another pattern, we got into another set of behavioral patterns.

769
01:44:32.850 --> 01:44:47.880
Nathan Hurd: Right yeah yeah and it's like my goal is just you know, to get through this week or get through this month, or whatever it is it's it's a you know because of the circumstances, so what could you tell people about.

770
01:44:49.350 --> 01:45:02.970
Nathan Hurd: How to connect with what really matters most how to get themselves in a frame of mind where they can aspire, and why it's important not to let yourself, you know fall back into that kind of mentality, at a moment like this.

771
01:45:04.680 --> 01:45:07.530
Matthew Neuberger: Well, I think the first thing you have to do is, you have to realize.

772
01:45:07.860 --> 01:45:17.160
Matthew Neuberger: We, as we as coven occurred, we became less social people but physically social in the same space and.

773
01:45:19.440 --> 01:45:26.580
Matthew Neuberger: The ECHO Chamber that maybe started with social media where you're surrounded by the same messages and the way that you think intensified.

774
01:45:28.500 --> 01:45:35.610
Matthew Neuberger: And for many people we've lost that sense of caring about it, we do we do here, here we go.

775
01:45:36.030 --> 01:45:54.270
Matthew Neuberger: right because we're so focused on ourselves and our needs, but we are less aware by being in front of other people of what they're going through and their needs, so it tends to be people overly personally focus as simply as I can say you have to manufacture ways to get in front of people.

776
01:45:55.980 --> 01:45:59.700
Matthew Neuberger: Many of them lost it and now it's a pattern Kobe is lifting a little bit.

777
01:46:01.740 --> 01:46:15.630
Matthew Neuberger: Whether you have to double mask put yourself in a hazmat suit goes be with other people somehow invite your friends to dinner don't make excuses don't avoid don't do another Saturday in your pjs.

778
01:46:16.740 --> 01:46:30.120
Matthew Neuberger: The first thing you have to do is find a way to be around other people and just get back to humanity, I think a lot of us have dulled those senses to an extreme So if you just want to get back to where you feel a little bit more normal.

779
01:46:31.230 --> 01:46:44.640
Matthew Neuberger: Get back to what normal used to be as much as you can I realized that's not easy for everybody, get off of social media get back in interacting with real people you're going to feel a little bit more whole by doing that practice, some of these influence skills that.

780
01:46:44.640 --> 01:46:45.060
Nathan Hurd: we've done.

781
01:46:45.360 --> 01:46:48.810
Matthew Neuberger: Do something for somebody else bring them a gift right.

782
01:46:50.400 --> 01:46:50.880
Matthew Neuberger: Just.

783
01:46:51.000 --> 01:46:51.780
Nathan Hurd: Man, that is.

784
01:46:52.800 --> 01:46:53.250
Nathan Hurd: Good.

785
01:46:53.700 --> 01:46:57.240
Matthew Neuberger: Now just that connection, I think we forgot that's.

786
01:46:57.300 --> 01:46:59.190
Matthew Neuberger: You know that's a big part of our lives.

787
01:47:00.180 --> 01:47:05.280
Matthew Neuberger: And that got turned off and everyone said isn't zoom great we can do everything we used to do in be.

788
01:47:06.690 --> 01:47:13.230
Matthew Neuberger: Well, yes zoom is great, but you can't swing that pendulum all the way over to we're never going to be around other people again.

789
01:47:14.310 --> 01:47:18.240
Matthew Neuberger: You you're losing a perspective on humanity that you need to gain back.

790
01:47:20.850 --> 01:47:25.920
Nathan Hurd: Man Those are just such incredibly wise words I couldn't agree more, the truth is that.

791
01:47:26.550 --> 01:47:34.440
Nathan Hurd: A lot of the goals that a lot of the aspirations, I think we have as human beings have to do with our desire to create a life, where we get to spend.

792
01:47:35.040 --> 01:47:44.760
Nathan Hurd: What we imagined to be quality time with the people we care most about and to the extent that we've lost those connections, the kind of the inspiration, the.

793
01:47:45.240 --> 01:47:59.160
Nathan Hurd: The enthusiasm for that has diminished as well, I think it's you know what great advice, just to put you know human connection first, and you know I think everything else is more likely to fall, I love it.

794
01:47:59.550 --> 01:48:12.390
Matthew Neuberger: I love it, even if it just means going and sitting in a restaurant and observing other people just you know you know, whatever it is that you got to get back to a perspective that's a little bit more tribal than, then you know reclusive.

795
01:48:15.270 --> 01:48:27.840
Nathan Hurd: So one last question what is some wisdom what is wisdom that you have that people tend not to ask you about, but if they did you know you think it would change the world.

796
01:48:29.010 --> 01:48:33.300
Matthew Neuberger: hmm wow that's a big question i'd be making something that's.

797
01:48:36.090 --> 01:48:36.870
Nathan Hurd: What comes to mind.

798
01:48:39.480 --> 01:48:42.780
Matthew Neuberger: You know something's always bothered me, aside from.

799
01:48:45.300 --> 01:48:55.500
Matthew Neuberger: Aside from people not giving themselves the love of setting goals and going for it and being okay with, failing which we've already talked about.

800
01:48:56.820 --> 01:49:01.620
Matthew Neuberger: One of the things that's always bothered me and it's part of my my job is is that.

801
01:49:03.180 --> 01:49:13.170
Matthew Neuberger: I really would people have wonderful ideas brilliant ideas that we never know about that could solve big problems.

802
01:49:14.760 --> 01:49:15.480
Matthew Neuberger: and

803
01:49:16.710 --> 01:49:24.870
Matthew Neuberger: Sometimes, I think that people dismiss their value in the world, because they don't want to sell those ideas.

804
01:49:26.280 --> 01:49:33.900
Matthew Neuberger: And I think that if there was one thing that I want people to do is i'd like everybody to think of themselves as a salesperson.

805
01:49:35.610 --> 01:49:37.890
Matthew Neuberger: For what they believe is right and important.

806
01:49:40.200 --> 01:49:40.860
Matthew Neuberger: Instead of.

807
01:49:41.880 --> 01:49:53.880
Matthew Neuberger: This mentality of sales, people are sleazy slimy slick scumbags in it for themselves yeah I get those people are out there, but if they could disassociate the word salesperson with that.

808
01:49:54.720 --> 01:50:07.230
Matthew Neuberger: I think that they would harness the power of their influence better, but they first have to believe that part of their identity is that if they believe strongly enough in something it doesn't matter what other people think of it.

809
01:50:08.580 --> 01:50:13.410
Matthew Neuberger: And they need to go sell they need to go influence and not care how they're perceived.

810
01:50:15.570 --> 01:50:17.400
Matthew Neuberger: So that's it.

811
01:50:19.170 --> 01:50:26.910
Nathan Hurd: What a way to summarize everything that came before it, and all the wonderful topics we've we've covered today, you know we didn't.

812
01:50:27.360 --> 01:50:39.300
Nathan Hurd: We didn't we could probably spend a whole nother hour going deep on business and I know specifically and you just have a wealth of knowledge and how to apply all of these so many more concepts to success in business.

813
01:50:40.350 --> 01:50:45.330
Nathan Hurd: And for anyone listening, if you know matt and i've known each other for years, and I personally have experienced.

814
01:50:46.260 --> 01:50:51.870
Nathan Hurd: A great deal of success from a lot of what he thinks about and teaches and how the way he supports people but.

815
01:50:52.650 --> 01:51:03.420
Nathan Hurd: matt if anyone wants to connect with you or reach out to you is there is there anywhere, where they should go and get more information about you or your business or anywhere that you would ask that they follow you.

816
01:51:04.410 --> 01:51:15.990
Matthew Neuberger: They you know, probably the easiest way to find me is to go into linkedin and look for Matthew neuberger and something that looks kind of like me there's not too many Matthew does that look like me, that would be an easy way to reach out to me.

817
01:51:17.040 --> 01:51:17.610
Matthew Neuberger: and

818
01:51:19.140 --> 01:51:38.100
Matthew Neuberger: as well if you know if anyone wants my email it's it's in linkedin but it's Matthew ma TT at w at neuberger co any up or G our CEO calm happy if anyone wants to reach out to me either of those ways and say hello ask your question i'd be happy now.

819
01:51:39.450 --> 01:51:46.380
Nathan Hurd: Nice all right Thank you so much matt anything else that we should have asked you that we didn't that I should have asked that we didn't.

820
01:51:47.190 --> 01:51:57.300
Matthew Neuberger: We covered a lot today I can't wait to I think the other thing that I would share is, you are a shining example as a success story.

821
01:51:57.690 --> 01:52:05.400
Matthew Neuberger: on two levels really on a friendship level, and I think that for pretty darn quickly, and I think that's what led to your success.

822
01:52:05.760 --> 01:52:11.910
Matthew Neuberger: Because you were never afraid to ask me questions never afraid to bring a problem never say I don't have the answer.

823
01:52:12.150 --> 01:52:24.660
Matthew Neuberger: So, the one thing I would just encourage people to do is pay attention listen to your podcast because, ultimately, you are always asking the question that a lot of people have on their mind but don't ask, so you know, I would just say.

824
01:52:25.230 --> 01:52:35.580
Matthew Neuberger: My parting thought to everybody here is watch all of these podcasts because it's going to blow you away with that really cool gas really cool ideas things you're not going to normally ask her see.

825
01:52:36.600 --> 01:52:37.020
Matthew Neuberger: So.

826
01:52:37.260 --> 01:52:39.420
Nathan Hurd: To kind my friend too kind Thank you so much.

827
01:52:40.680 --> 01:52:45.930
Nathan Hurd: All right, well it's been a pleasure great to see you and let's do this again sometime.

828
01:52:46.560 --> 01:52:47.820
Matthew Neuberger: Absolutely anytime.

829
01:52:49.380 --> 01:52:49.830
Nathan Hurd: Thanks man.

830
01:52:50.250 --> 01:52:50.820
You got.